April Fools
by AlwaysSS
Summary: Under the guise of an April Fools' Day prank, Hermione and Draco team up to bring Professor Snape to his knees, literally.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Notes: With the first of April rapidly approaching, I felt the need to celebrate with a new fanfic. Trying to steer away from the more traditional Weasley-twins-inspired tale, I ended up with this bizarre story instead. Read at your own risk.

In case you can't decipher it for yourselves, this fic takes place in the trio's seventh year at Hogwarts. Voldemort's dead and Severus isn't (just as it should be.) It's pretty safe to say that this is AU after book five.

Warning: This story contains moments of pure OOCness, illicit drug use, wildly inappropriate behavior, slash and het relations between students and professors, an odd coupling of fluff and smut, and random naughty Transfiguration. If any of these things offend you, please find another story to read. If, however, you are intrigued by this type of debauchery, please continue.

Oh, and I'd like to apologize ahead of time for the nauseatingly overused Dramoine subplot. Just remember, this is supposed to be a humorous farce - a crack!fic, if you will.

A special thanks to my beta, SometimesSelkie, who suffered through this rubbish against her better wishes. I promise, Selkie, I'll pay for your therapy.

* * *

**Chapter 1: You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on**

Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy sat in the private common room that they shared as Hogwarts Head Boy and Girl. Neither of the seventh-years had been particularly happy with the idea of sharing a dormitory at the start of their final year, but as it was one of those pointless, age-old traditions that the school still abided by, Dumbledore had denied both their demands for alternative housing. He insisted that it was a necessary step towards the inter-House unity that he had always strived for and even the pure-blood's father hadn't been able to sway the headmaster. In the end, the unlikely pair of students just had to suck it up and make the most out of the unbearable situation. Through a great deal of trials and even more tribulations, they had managed to put aside their differences and become quite good friends. Chalk another one up to Albus Dumbledore's omniscience.

Hermione glanced over at the blond wizard, who was scribbling furiously on a piece of parchment on the table in front of him. At the start of their cohabitation, she had been pleasantly surprised, after years of living with Harry and Ron, to find that the Slytherin's study habits rivaled her own.

"Hey, Draco?"

He turned to look at her, still bent over his essay. "Yeah?"

"Do you know what this Saturday is?"

He thought for a moment then shook his head. "No."

"It's the first of April."

Draco smirked and returned to the assignment he was working on. "April Fools' Day. Don't tell me you go for that childish stuff, Granger."

Hermione scowled. "It's not necessarily childish. It can be fun, if it's done right."

"Sure, sure," he replied distractedly. He was nearly finished with his homework for the night and was eager to get it over with. There were far better things that he could be doing with his time.

"I've been thinking," she continued, despite the wizard's inattention, "that this school hasn't seen a really good prank since Fred and George left."

"So?"

"So, think how shocked everyone would be if we pulled off something incredible."

Draco sat upright and stared at the witch in disbelief. "You want us to orchestrate an April Fools' prank? Have you been nipping that Firewhisky my parents sent me for Christmas again?"

Hermione laughed and shook her head. "It's our last year here. I want to be remembered for something other than breaking the N.E.W.T. record or being Harry Potter's brainy sidekick. I want to do something totally unexpected. I want to... I don't know, go out with a bang."

He snorted. "You astound me, Granger. Every time I think I've finally got you figured out, you do something that undermines every conclusion I've managed to draw."

"I just think that it'd be fun," she said with a pout before flashing him a solicitous smile. "Come on. You know you wanna help."

He rolled his eyes. "Don't you think Potter and Weasley would be better suited for such an undertaking?"

"No. I think this should be a Head student thing – it'll make for a bigger effect. Plus, I need your Slytherin traits to pull it off."

"Slytherin traits?" he repeated with a raised eyebrow.

Hermione grinned. "Yeah, you know... sneaky, cunning, manipulative."

"You forgot sexy," Draco pointed out with a smirk.

Her grin widened. "Well, that goes without saying."

Their relationship was an interesting one. They had started the school term as enemies, which begrudgingly gave way to respect, which had eventually evolved into friendship. Somewhere between steps two and three, the animosity that had been building between them for seven years came to a boiling point and had shockingly turned sexual. Apparently, there really was a thin line between love and hate. After their first emotionally charged encounter, which had taken them from nearly killing each other to shagging each other senseless, the pair had quickly agreed that they weren't suited for a romantic relationship. Neither of them could deny though that friends with benefits – a lot of benefits at times – worked well for them both. As inconceivable as it was, the former adversaries were incredibly compatible between the sheets.

Draco flashed his sexy bedroom eyes at her, a look he knew the witch couldn't resist, and their discussion and Transfiguration essays were soon forgotten in lieu of a passionate romp in the Seeker's four-poster bed.

Sitting back against the headboard and basking in the afterglow of amazing orgasms, the witch and wizard passed a lit joint between them. Draco had been dumbfounded when Hermione had brought a pocketful of magically-enhanced marijuana back to their rooms one night. She had gotten it from Neville, who had been growing it as a Herbology experiment and didn't know what to do with the excess. Since herbal drug use was against school rules, she insisted that it was only for scientific research but he didn't buy it. The first night they smoked together was the first time Draco could remember being truly shocked by the Gryffindor but it certainly wasn't the last. Living with the Muggle-born had turned out to be anything but boring.

Feeling utterly content, Hermione brought up the subject of April Fools' Day again. "So, what kind of prank do you think we should pull?"

"Hmm... something that shows our superior skills."

She laughed. "Well, that's obvious, but what? How can we show up the whole school?"

Draco took a long drag and passed the cigarette to his bedmate. After releasing the lungful of smoke, he questioned her thinking. "Do you really want to bother with the entire school?"

"You don't think we should?" She inhaled and tried to think through the haze. "What do you want to do: go after a certain House or only the seventh-years?"

The pure-blood smirked maliciously, taking the near-spent roach from her. "Or maybe just one person."

Hermione watched him take the last puff and put the remnants out in the ashtray beside the bed. "Draco Malfoy, you are plotting something!" she accused. "Tell me!"

He chuckled. "Well, why should we waste our time on pulling some childish prank on the unappreciative idiots of this school when we can do something that will not only satiate this hankering of yours, but also reap some benefits for us as well?"

She grinned. One of the Slytherin's best attributes was his ability to constantly alter any given situation to serve his own needs. She used to misconstrue that talent as selfishness, but after months of being privy to its benefits, she had learned to appreciate its worth. "What do you have in mind?"

"Do you remember what I told you a while back about Snape?" he asked, keeping his tone light and casual.

Hermione nodded. How could she forget that revelation? One night, after an intense round of shagging, the pair had gotten into a discussion of fantasies. Interestingly enough, they had both admitted to having regularly reoccurring daydreams of seducing their mysterious Potions professor. She was drawn to the older wizard's intelligence and subtle sensuality, where as Draco had a thing for the ex-Death Eater's dark and dangerous demeanor. Either way, since that fateful conversation, the Muggle-born witch had been plagued by erotic dreams of a threesome with the two sexy Slytherins. Although those sort of images made for really good masturbation material, they certainly didn't make sitting through Potions class any easier.

Draco smirked at her glazed over expression. "I'll take that as a yes. So, how about we make him our target?"

"And how exactly would that be beneficial?" she asked, shaking her head. "As much as I fancy him, I don't really feel up to spending the next two months in detention."

"I wasn't talking about making all his cauldrons simultaneously explode or hiding all his socks, Granger," he teased. "I was leaning more towards doing something that will land him in our bed. I'm talking about a prank that will get him so hot and bothered that he'll be desperate to punish us."

A whole new crop of raunchy images popped in her head at these words. Punishment sounded like fun. She grinned. "Alright, let's do it!"

Draco smiled proudly. "That's my girl. Always up for a bit of debauchery."

They both laughed, the drug-induced euphoria increasing the hilarity of the situation, and after a few minutes, they ended up breathless and thirsty. Hermione sat back against the headboard again and enjoyed the view as Draco pushed himself out of the bed and padded out of the room, in all his naked glory. He returned quickly with two ice cold Butterbeers. He popped the caps off the bottles and handed one to the Gryffindor while taking a long gulp from his own.

"Thanks," she said with a smile before taking a sip. "So what kind of diabolical scheme have you got cooking in that pretty blond head of yours?"

He shrugged and sat down on the edge of the bed. "I haven't gotten that far. I got sidetracked by the idea of being punished by the snarky bastard."

"Mmm, me, too." She took another sip of her Butterbeer and sat the frosty bottle on the nightstand. "Okay, well, we'll want to drive him nuts, but not physically harm him in any way and we don't want to piss him off either."

"Right."

"So I think our best bet would be to tease him to the point that he can't stand it a minute longer."

"Yeah, and then we pop up and say April Fools'!" Draco added with a lustful smile.

"Exactly!" she replied, loving how his devious little mind worked. She could never discuss such a thing with her other friends. "So what can we do that will frustrate him beyond belief and leave him begging for release?" She chewed her bottom lip for a moment as she contemplated the possibilities. "Do you think you can get us into his office and private quarters?"

Draco nodded without hesitation. "Yeah." Hermione raised her eyebrow quizzically and he shrugged again. "He's been an acquaintance of my father's since before I was born and my Head of House for seven years. I've picked things up."

"And you've never used those things to your advantage?" she asked with a skeptical smirk.

"Not yet." He waggled his sculpted blond eyebrows, making the witch laugh again.

"Okay, so if we can get into his rooms then we should really be able to mess with his mind."

Draco rubbed his hands together villainously. "So what do we do?"

The curly-haired Head Girl picked up her Butterbeer again. "Well, here's what I'm thinking..."

The pair spent the rest of the night coming up with a foolproof plan to drive their dear professor to the peak of distraction. Their plotting and subsequent fantasies as to how he would react aroused them so much that they ended their brainstorming session in the same throes of ecstasy in which it had began. Hermione spent the night in the Slytherin's bed, as she had done countless time over the past few months.

* * *

The call of the alarm clock came entirely too quickly the next morning. Knowing that they had to get up for class, Hermione and Draco reluctantly rolled out of bed. After showering and dressing for the day, the pair shared a cup of coffee before leaving the sanctuary of their private quarters. The stout Himalayan blend was laced with a mild Invigoration Draught that Hermione had brewed herself. The combination had become habit for the witch and wizard after their frequent late nights of either studying or engaging in more pleasurable activities. Once the coffee took effect, they each grabbed their bags and went to join the rest of the students in the Great Hall for breakfast.

Due to the previous night's conversation, Hermione was excited to get to Potions class that afternoon. Truthfully, though, she had always been excited to enter the dungeons. The scientific art of Potions had captivated her since she was eleven years old, but the Muggle-born had learned early on not to show too much enthusiasm in Snape's class unless she wanted to be ridiculed for it.

Today, however, she couldn't seem to keep the grin off her face as she took her usual seat next to the Head Boy at their workstation. She was the only Gryffindor to qualify for seventh-year Potions and shared the class with Draco and Blaise from Slytherin and three Ravenclaws. As a result of the overall competency of the class, Professor Snape was usually a bit nicer to them than he had been in previous years – well, maybe "nicer" was the wrong word, perhaps "more respectful" better qualified. There had yet to be a single cauldron melted during the N.E.W.T. period and, in turn, the Potions master hadn't berated any of them unmercifully thus far.

Draco glanced at the grinning witch curiously. "What are you so happy about, Granger?"

She shrugged but her smile didn't waver. "I don't know," she whispered. "I just feel a little giddy being down here after last night."

The pure-blood smirked. "Just think how you'll feel after this weekend, if everything goes as planned."

Before she could respond, the object of their discussion and desires stalked into the room, slamming the door behind him. The small class immediately fell silent as they awaited the day's assignment. They all knew better than to push their luck with the disgruntled wizard, at least while they were so closely sequestered with him.

Hermione and Draco spent the next hour and a half brewing their assigned potion to perfection while covertly watching the professor's every move, trying to gain any insight that might aid in their plan. Unfortunately for them, the former spy didn't give away much.

Giving up on finding some yet undiscovered window into the brooding Slytherin's soul, the resourceful Head students turned their focus to what they could control. They spent the afternoon immersed in a teetering stack of Charms books in the library. It was amazing, the amount of highly inappropriate spells they were able to find within the school's collection. With a bit of tweaking, Hermione was confident that she'd be able to alter several of them to suit their needs this weekend.

After composing a list of promising charms, the pair headed down to the kitchens. As Harry Potter's best friend, Hermione knew the perfect ally for at least part of their nefarious plan. Needless to say, the Malfoy heir stayed out in the hallway while the Head Girl conversed with her favorite house-elf and she was all smiles when she exited out of the ticklish pear painting. Dobby was enthusiastically on board.

Once dinner had concluded that evening, Hermione and Draco reconvened on the comfy sofa in their common room. They worked together on their Astronomy and Potions essays before putting their books away and reclining back into the cushions.

The witch sighed contentedly and looked over at her blond-haired friend. "So, are we ready for tomorrow night?"

"I think so," he replied confidently. "I know I can get us in. After that, it will all rest on your Charms skills, which I have complete faith in."

Hermione smiled and leaned over, placing a kiss on his soft lips before saying, "I adore you sometimes."

"And the rest of the time you're just using me for sex?" he asked with a smirk.

She chuckled. "Yes, but really good sex."

Without responding to that completely true statement, Draco pulled the cheeky girl onto his lap and kissed her again. He then proceeded to show her just how good, right there on the sofa in front of their evening fire.

* * *

The next day – the last day of classes for the week – Hermione could barely control her excitement. She grinned distractedly all the way through breakfast and her morning lessons. When she was still smiling during Professor Binns' nauseatingly boring lecture on the wizards of Ancient Babylon, Harry and Ron became suspicious.

"What's up with you today, Hermione?" the bespectacled wizard asked.

She shushed him like she always did whenever one of them talked in class, but seven years of being friends with the two boys had taught her that they wouldn't stop pestering her until she answered them. "Nothing," she whispered from behind her History of Magic textbook. "It's almost the weekend, and spring is coming, and tomorrow is April Fools' Day. I'm just in a good mood. I swear," she added in response to their bewildered expressions. As she turned her attention back to the semi-transparent professor, she could've sworn that she heard Draco snicker from a few rows behind them. She'd get him back for that later.

That night after dinner, Hermione spent some time with her friends in the Gryffindor common room. They were always complaining about not seeing her enough and visiting with them provided not only a much needed distraction, but also an alibi for her whereabouts.

She sat with Ginny and caught up on the latest gossip over a couple of Butterbeers while watching the boys play chess. It was a rather nice way to spend the evening, nostalgic even. Things at the school had changed so much that year that doing the same things the four of them had been doing for years felt oddly refreshing.

"So, Hermione, what do you have planned for tomorrow?" Harry asked, keeping his attention focused on Ron's knight that was steadily inching its way towards one of his unprotected pieces.

Hermione's eyes darted to the scar-headed wizard in surprise. "What do you mean?" she asked, her voice coming out an octave higher than she had intended. Both the boys turned and looked at her curiously.

"It's Saturday," Harry replied. "I was just wondering if you had any plans. The weather is supposed to be nice. We're thinking about putting together a pickup game of Quidditch. After our prank, of course."

Her stomach slowly unclenched. Of course they wouldn't suspect her of anything like what she and Draco were planning. Her best friends knew hardly anything about her relationship with the Slytherin pure-blood or the more liberal activities they engaged in. They had begrudgingly accepted that she and Draco had become friends, but anything more than that was beyond their comprehension. Sadly, they barely knew the real witch that she had become.

"So what have you cooked up for this year?" she asked with an easy smile.

Harry grinned, his green eyes glinting maliciously. "Fred and George sent us a few things. Nothing seriously dangerous or anything. Just don't drink any of pumpkin juice at lunch tomorrow."

The Head Girl chuckled and shook her curls. She knew better than to try and talk them out of whatever it was that they were planning. "Thanks for the warning."

After a few hours in Gryffindor tower, Hermione said her good-byes and headed back to her own room. Just as she was passing the library, Professor Snape walked through the large double doors and into the hallway directly in front of her. As she moved out of the way, he glanced up from the pile of books he was carrying and nodded in her direction. "Good evening, Miss Granger."

She smiled. "Good evening, Professor."

When he started off towards the dungeons without further preamble, the witch's conscience prickled uncomfortably. "Sir?" she called hesitantly. He stopped mid-stride and turned towards her with a raised eyebrow. "Just a word to the wise, Professor. Stay away from the pumpkin juice at lunch tomorrow."

He stared at her for a long moment before understanding the meaning of her warning. "Ah, April Fools' Day. I nearly forgot," he replied, but the comprehension on his sharp features quickly turned to suspicion. "Why are you warning me, Miss Granger? I'm usually at the top of the target list."

Hermione blushed against her will. "I don't know what kind of childish prank they're planning. I was given the same warning and I'm just passing it on."

Snape tipped his head in a rare sign of gratitude. "Well, in that case, thank you. I'll be sure to heed it."

The Muggle-born smiled again before continuing towards her earlier destination, wishing the older wizard good night as she walked away.

Draco was already waiting for her when she passed through the entrance of their small common room, which was guarded by a portrait of a rather stern-looking witch. Madam Cartwright had the curious habit of quizzing callers as to the nature of their visit before alerting the Head students of their presence. The good thing about the portrait's screening process was that witch didn't discriminate. Their friends and even the school's staff received the same treatment as nosey first-years did, and the advanced notice had prevented several embarrassing scenes over the past few months.

Hermione sank into the overstuffed cushions beside the blond before relaying the cryptic warning of the Gryffindors' prank and then recounting her interaction with Professor Snape.

"He was actually nice – well, nice for him, anyway. I almost feel guilty for what we're planning," she admitted.

Draco nodded sympathetically. "Just remember, what we're doing is not going to hurt him. It's not like we're poisoning him or anything."

"I know, but we are going to drive him nuts and potentially embarrass the hell out of him."

The Slytherin chuckled. "But if he takes it the way we hope he will, then we'll all enjoy the results."

Hermione buried her face in her hands. "And if he doesn't take it well, then I'm gonna have to transfer to Beauxbatons. It's a good thing that I already know French."

Draco laughed again. "Don't chicken out on me now, Granger. I wouldn't be attempting this if I didn't think it would work. And if it does blow up in our faces, then we can just pass it off as a crude April Fools' joke. After a few embarrassing detentions, life will go back to normal." He put his arm around the doubtful witch. "Worse case scenario, he'll kick us out of Potions class, but with only two months until graduation, I don't think either of us would have a problem passing our N.E.W.T. without him."

She grimaced at the idea but nodded. "You're right. The potential good outweighs the possible bad... I'm just nervous."

Draco flashed her a sexy smile. "Then come here and let me relax you." He pulled her down on top of him and soon skillfully erased every worry she had ever had.

At two a.m., Hermione's watch alarm went off, signaling to her and Draco that it was time to begin their trip down to the dungeons. Placing everything they would need in the pockets of her robes, she turned to her partner in crime with an excited grin.

"Ready?" he asked.

Hermione nodded and Draco tapped her on the head with his wand before doing the same to himself. A moment later, all that remained was two vague shimmers.

"I'll never get used to that sensation," she said to the spot where the pure-blood had just been standing.

"A necessary evil," he replied from across the room. "Come hold my hand so we don't lose each other."

Together, the Disillusioned pair quickly traversed the shifting staircases and deserted hallways to the bowels of the castle. Draco then led the way to his Head of House's office door. The blond waved his invisible wand at the wooden barrier a few times, muttering an incantation under his breath, and a moment later, the lock audibly clicked and the door swung open with a faint squeak. Hermione didn't have to see his face to know that the wizard was sporting an arrogant smirk.

They made their way into the cold, dark office as silently as possible and each immediately set about the tasks that they had previously agreed on. It took nearly an hour to place the various charms around the room. When they were finally finished, they left the office and Draco re-warded the door.

Now it was time for the more dangerous half of their plan – entering the professor's personal quarters. Draco again led the way through the dank labyrinthine passages, deeper and deeper into the belly of the ancient school. They eventually came to a stop in front of a solid stone wall. Hermione momentarily thought they had taken a wrong turn before she felt the wizard beside her begin to wave his wand arm in an intricate pattern over the stone.

Suddenly, a fiery outline of a large serpent appeared on the previously blank wall before the magical flames stretched outward to form a solid black door. After a few more spells, the heavy door unlocked and soundlessly swung inward. Hermione was impressed, both by the Potions master's security measures and by the Head Boy's ability to infiltrate them. She grinned beneath the Disillusionment Charm at her newfound respect for Slytherin sneakiness.

Again in silence, the nervous couple entered the private sitting room of Severus Snape. Hermione knew from Draco's description that the wizard's bedchamber was directly adjacent to the room they were in now. The thought that he was so close both excited and terrified her.

Despite the insanely dangerous task, she and Draco finished their final preparations as quickly and silently as possible and somehow made it out of the dungeons undetected. Neither of them consciously drew a breath until they were safely back in their own quarters again.

After they warded their door, the pair both sank down into the sofa, completely exhausted. They shared a glass of Draco's Christmas Firewhisky to calm their over-excited nerves before retiring to their own bedrooms for a few hours of much needed sleep.

* * *

This story has four chapters in total and will be updated once a day until they're all up. So, please stayed tuned and REVIEW!

_Chapter title courtesy of George W. Bush._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools**

Hermione awoke at nine the next morning. She would've normally slept in on a Saturday, especially after such a late night, but today she was eager to get out of bed. Without changing from her fuzzy pajamas, Hermione hurried down the stairs that separated her room from Draco's. She knocked lightly but opened the door without waiting for a response.

The handsome Slytherin was sound asleep, sprawled out across the bed on his stomach, and only clad in emerald green sleep trousers. Hermione took a minute to admire the enticingly smooth skin of his bare back. Despite all the times she had scoffed at the notion, the boy really was devastatingly sexy.

She crossed the room silently and climbed into the bed, straddling one of his thighs and resting her knee flush against his perfect arse. Hermione bent down and placed a small kiss at the base of his spine, just above the waistband of his pajamas, before proceeding to lick her way up his neck, which she peppered with kisses.

Draco let out a slight moan and twisted suddenly, pulling the witch down on the bed beside him. She gasped in surprise and he took advantage of the moment to kiss her deeply, probing her mouth with his skillful tongue. After a minute, Hermione pushed him away, panting ever-so-slightly.

"Good morning, Granger," the pure-blood drawled.

"Mmm, good morning," she replied with a smile.

"What time is it?"

"A little after nine. What time do you think Professor Snape gets up?"

Draco stretched his Seeker-honed muscles and yawned. "He sleeps in on the weekends. That's one of the first things every Slytherin learns – don't bother Snape early on a weekend. He doles out some pretty nasty punishment for those that do, no matter what the reason. I think he usually gets up around ten or so. Why?"

Hermione smirked. "Don't you wanna watch the show?"

The blond's eyes widened. "What do you mean?"

"I placed a spell on his rooms so that we can watch what happens on that painting by the bookshelf," she replied in a falsely uninterested tone. "It should work somewhat like a Muggle television."

His jaw dropped in shock and then he kissed her again. After thoroughly snogging the brilliant witch, he pulled back and smiled at her, his pale eyes glinting in amusement. "You're unbelievably perfect, Granger. Marry me?"

Hermione chuckled at what she knew was a joke. "I would," she teased, "except your parents would disown you and leave you penniless."

"True," he replied with a grin, "but you can support us both, my dear."

She laughed again. "There's also the small issue of you not being in love with me." This was said without a hint of remorse. She knew that that was how their relationship worked and, strangely enough, she was perfectly fine with that arrangement. "Not that it matters," she quipped, "I'd never marry a pure-blood."

He kissed the tip of her cute freckled nose. "I may not be _in love_ with you, Granger, but I am awfully fond of you. If nothing else, you're unquestionably the most amazing shag I've ever had and that's worth half the Malfoy fortune in my book."

This time it was the Gryffindor who instigated a passionate kiss. Like most boys, Draco didn't talk a lot about his feelings and she had never minded that fact – especially knowing how his family behaved – but every once in awhile, it was nice to hear that he did actually care for her. "Thank you, Draco. I'm quite fond of you as well, you arrogant bastard. Though, I still don't want to marry you."

Draco chuckled and gave her a playful push. "Fine. Fine. Just get out of my bed. I've gotta piss."

Hermione wrinkled her nose and crawled out of the luxurious four-poster. She watched the sleepy blond disappear into his bathroom before walking out to their shared living area. She lit the cold hearth with her wand and called down to the kitchens for some breakfast and coffee, a special privilege that had come with their title. The Head students often mused that Dumbledore had invented small perks such as that to console them for having to live together. Of course, they had never bothered to inform the old man that his continuing efforts were unnecessary.

After placing her order, she walked over to the landscape painting that she had bewitched the night before and tapped her wand against the golden frame. The watercolors instantly disappeared, leaving a blank black canvas for a moment before being replaced by fuzzy static that reminded the Muggle-born of the "snow" on her parents' TV set. As she intoned the necessary incantation, the picture seemed to tune itself until a crystal clear view of the professor's office came into focus. The room was quiet and everything appeared as they had left it the night before.

Draco walked in behind the witch, put his arms around her waist, and looked up at her handiwork. "You really are brilliant," he whispered into her ear, then pressed a tender kiss to the sensitive skin behind her lobe.

Hermione smiled and leaned back against him. "Watch," she told him as she tapped the frame and repeated the charm. Just like changing channels on a Muggle remote, the picture flicked over to a shot of the Potions master's study, which was as uninhabited as his office had been.

"Does it have sound, too?" Draco asked.

"Of course," she replied, her eyes straining to ascertain any movement outside the periphery of the screen. "He must not be up yet, unless he went to breakfast."

The wizard shook his head, tickling the back of her neck with his hair. "No, I told you, he doesn't eat breakfast in the Great Hall on the weekends. He's probably still asleep."

Just then, a house-elf bearing a tray laden with their breakfast appeared in the middle of the room with a faint pop. Hermione suggested that they eat while they wait on their sleepy-headed target to make an appearance. The pair sat on stools at the counter that divided their common room from the small kitchenette and ate heartily, hoping that they'd need the energy later that day.

As they were finishing up their coffee, Hermione caught movement out the corner of her eye. Turning toward the bewitched artwork, she saw Professor Snape moving about his study, his trademark black robes billowing out behind him. She shot Draco a semi-panic-stricken glance and they both moved to stand in front of the charmed picture frame. Draco placed his hand on the small of the girl's back in a comforting gesture. "Here goes nothing."

Hermione nodded solemnly, her gaze focused on the professor's projected form as he left his study. She tapped the frame and changed the view to his deserted office. A moment later, the couple watched their hapless victim enter through a hidden door behind his desk and light the candles, illuminating the small room. He stifled a yawn and approached the cold fireplace. With a flick of his wand, flames shot up from the ever-burning logs.

The sullen wizard took a pinch of the Floo powder from a tin on the mantle and threw it into the fire. The room took on a green glow as the magical dust took effect, and he stooped and stuck his head into the flames. Draco and Hermione heard him declare, "Hogwarts kitchen," but was unable to hear anything else as the connection was made. As they had anticipated, he was ordering his usual weekend brunch.

While they waited for Snape to complete his transaction, Draco levitated the couch around and landed it softly, directly behind them. He pulled the Gryffindor, whose attention was still focused on the charmed screen, down onto the cushions, shrugging at her surprised expression. "Figured we might as well be comfortable." Hermione grinned in approval and settled back against his extended arm.

Before anything else was said, their attention was once again drawn to the professor's movement. He had pulled his head from the fire and was moving across the room again. Just as he sat behind the large mahogany desk, his black leather chair sighing beneath him, a house-elf popped into the room, carrying a sterling silver serving tray that held a tea service for one and a covered dish of food.

Hermione recognized their enthusiastic little accomplice immediately and knew that their plan was, thus far, falling seamlessly into place. She and Draco watched in anticipation as Dobby placed the tray in front of the wizard, gave a polite bow, and quickly popped back out of the room, just as they had suggested. Hermione had been especially eager not to get the helpful elf in trouble with Professor Snape or the headmaster for his assistance. She wouldn't be able to forgive herself if he got fired from his first paying job because of their prank.

Hermione quickly put those thoughts aside as she watched the deliciously dark Slytherin pour himself a cup of tea and take a sip. He swallowed and then grimaced at the teacup before sitting it down on the saucer and opening the lid on the pot itself. The lines on his forehead creased in confusion as he peered into the murky contents. He picked up his wand and pointed it wordlessly at the unsuspecting pot. With a splash, two large brown seeds flew out of the dark liquid and into the man's open hand. He glared at the unknown items suspiciously and muttered, "What the hell?" before bringing them up to his large nose and sniffing gingerly.

As Hermione had expected, he ascertained their identity immediately. Dried Guatemalan cacao pods. What the witch wasn't sure of was whether or not the Potions master knew their purpose. She had read of their usage while studying the ancient magical civilization of the Mayas, the summer before last. The Mayas believed that these particular pods had the inert power to increase a person's passion if consumed either whole or steeped in boiled water. Hermione had no idea if that was really true or not, but it certainly couldn't hurt. Plus, as Draco had pointed out, if Snape did in fact know of their purpose, which was likely, then his discovery of them would only aid in his comprehension of the purpose behind their prank.

The professor frowned at the dark pods and placed them on the saucer, allowing them to rest against the teacup that he wouldn't be using again. He then removed the silver cover from his plate and gasped in alarm. "Sweet Merlin! What the hell is going on?"

Hermione and Draco broke into a fit of laughter as they eyed the food in front of the Slytherin Head of House. They had given the house-elf some basic guidelines but had left it mostly up to him to decide the menu, and from the looks of the tray, Dobby hadn't let them down.

Everything on the plate was sexually suggestive. There were raw oysters, cherries, ripe figs, miniature chocolate casts of the female anatomy, and several phallic shaped items, including asparagus spears, a peeled banana, and a large sausage link. It was a veritable aphrodisiacal smorgasbord. The professor would've had to be blind not to get the innuendo of the meal in front of him.

Snape's comprehension became obvious when he sneered at the offending plate in disgust. He was halfway to the fireplace, undoubtedly to Floo the kitchens and hex the cooking staff, when the realization hit him. He slapped his hand to his forehead. "April bloody Fools' Day." With a sneer, he returned to his desk and pointed his wand at the tray, shouting, "iEvanesco/i," and vanishing the entire tray with enough venomous disdain that he could've just as easily cast the Killing Curse instead.

Draco snorted but Hermione glanced at the blond uneasily. "I hope we don't make him too angry."

He leaned in and kissed her cheek. "Don't worry so much, Granger." She gave him a forced smiled and turned her attention back to the aggravated wizard, who had sat himself back behind his desk.

Having resigned himself to not having a decent meal that morning, Severus prepared to start grading the essays that had been accumulating over the past week. He opened his desk drawer and pulled out his favorite grading quill – a long, sleek black feather with hints of green at the tips and a nib stained blood red from repetitive use, slashing across abysmal assignments. He also pulled an antique inkwell from the drawer before picking up the first sheet of parchment from the pile and beginning to read.

The essay started out wrong, right off the bat. The assignment he had given the fifth-years on Monday was twelve inches on the uses of the exotic Dodo in potion making, not "The Uses of the Erotic Dildo", as this student had thought. Severus smirked at the title before taking his quill in hand and making to dip it into the ink.

When the nib touched the rim if the decanter, two very strange things happened simultaneously. The well Transfigured itself from its usual simple appearance to a beautifully sculpted replica of the female genitalia, the vaginal opening leading to the ink within. At the same time, the professor's favorite quill changed as well, morphing in his hand until he was holding a very realistic, albeit thin, latex dildo. Snape gasped in shock and dropped the phallic object, which landed with a dull thud on his desk. He stared at the two Transfigured items in disbelief.

At this point, Hermione and Draco were almost in tears from laughing so hard. So far, all of their charms were working perfectly and the wizard's comical reaction couldn't have been better.

Severus' expression of shocked disbelief was quickly replaced by a vicious sneer. He ripped his desk drawer open and snatched out another quill. Leaning forward, he cautiously inserted the tip into the disturbingly erotic inkwell. Upon the simulated act of penetration, a very convincing feminine moan of pleasure issued from the altered well. He quickly pulled his arm back, and in doing so, noticed that, like before, the quill had become a plastic cock, this one bright orange.

With a frustrated growl, he dropped the second dildo on the desk and it wobbled next the first one. He stood up, drew his wand, and stalked angrily to the closed door. The room was quiet for several minutes as he tried to detect a magical signature on both the entrance to his office and the Transfigured items. When his spells failed to produce anything unusual, he sat back in his chair with a sigh. Apparently, his stellar record of avoiding all April Fools' Day festivities had come to a crashing end, and he couldn't even take solace in the fact that he could identify the culprits. Blasted children! If he had his way, the whole bloody holiday would be banned.

With another aggravated sigh, he reached into his drawer and extracted every quill in its depths, about ten in total. He laid them out on his desk and, one by one, systematically tested them all.

The dungeon office was soon filled with simulated moans in various degrees of ecstasy, the wizard's growls of frustration, and the muted thuds of each dildo being thrown down. When he had run out of quills, he sat back in his chair and pinched the bridge of his nose as he glared at the rainbow assortment of latex cocks that covered his desk. Although it infuriated him that someone had taken such liberties with his property, he had to admit that whoever had orchestrated this prank was quite talented. He just wished he knew how the bloody hell they had gotten into his office.

The guilty parties were meanwhile sipping water and trying to catch their breath from laughing so much. The professor had fallen right into their trap. They really couldn't have scripted it any better. Now they just hoped that he'd be able to move from being ticked off to being turned on. That was a big leap.

As they watched, Snape picked up his wand and vanished the former quills and inkwell. He let out an agitated sigh as he reached down and pulled open the bottom drawer of his desk. Reaching in the back, he extracted a long, slender black box.

Hermione and Draco glanced at each other curiously. She shrugged and turned back to the perturbed wizard, who opened the lid of the box to reveal, interestingly enough, an expensive Muggle pen set.

"What the hell?" Draco muttered. "I wasn't expecting that." The Muggle-born witch just smirked in approval. At least she wasn't the only one who thought that quills were ridiculously outdated and usually more trouble than they were worth.

Severus removed the pen from the case and pushed the box out of the way. He pulled the stack of essays towards him, uncapped the pen, and scribbled across the top of the first piece of parchment. To his immense relief, the black ink appeared just as it should and the pen stayed a pen. He smirked in satisfaction.

He corrected the ridiculous title of the first essay with a scathing remark before reading on. However, he didn't make it through the first paragraph before realizing that the essay had been altered as well. Instead of a sloppy assignment on an exotic potion ingredient as expected, it was complete, unadulterated smut. He flipped to the next page and scanned the lines, then the next essay, then the next. They were all rubbish – not duplicates of each other but each unique, extremely x-rated, and quite raunchy. Against his will, his body started to respond to the stimuli. With a grimace, he pushed the stack of parchment away.

Realizing that he wouldn't be getting any work done today, Severus turned in his chair and made to stand up, only to be suddenly restrained. He looked down and exclaimed, "Oh, for pity's sake!"

Around each wrist was a fuzzy pink handcuff, securing him to the chair. He turned his wrists and pulled at the revolting cuffs and, after a few seconds, they vanished completely, leaving nothing behind. Free once again, the professor smirked. Annoying as it was, that had been quite an impressive bit of magic. It was difficult enough to conjure such a thing out of thin air, let alone to be able to time it to happen while the caster is out of the room. He was starting to seriously wonder who had been skilled enough, sneaky enough, and depraved enough to set all of this up. The Weasley twins were the first suspects to come to mind, but not only were they no longer students at Hogwarts, he was positive that the ginger-haired wizards would never target him in such a manner. He had given them quite a few pointers, after all, on the Potions aspect of their business and, in return, they had given him a very small, silent share of their enterprise. As annoying as they were to teach, the clever little brats had made quite well for themselves.

Contemplating who else could be to blame for today's antics, he stood up – this time unhampered – and headed for his private rooms. Despite the early hour, he was in desperate need of a stiff drink.

Once the dark-haired man had exited out of the office, Hermione stood and recast the spell on the magical painting to switch the view to the study. She sat back beside Draco and watched as the older wizard entered the darkened room and made his way to the liquor cabinet, lighting the fireplace and lamps as he went. He turned over one of the tumblers on the tray, grabbed a bottle of Firewhisky, and poured himself several fingers.

When the former spy downed the glass of whiskey, the Head students grinned deviously at each other. Unbeknownst to him, they had laced the professor's glasses with an undetectable potion of Fred and George's creation. It was an ingenious little elixir that increased the consumer's libido. It didn't perform like a love or lust potion, creating false affections for the supplier; it simply intensified the drinker's sexual desires for several hours. Hermione and Draco had played with the potion several times and thought it was perfect for their prank today.

Severus poured himself a second glass and went to sit in the armchair closest to the fire. He sighed deeply, enjoying the sanctity of his personal space and knowing that no one could have penetrated his wards here. He took a sip from his glass before picking up the book lying on his coffee table. It was a Muggle novel that he had been reading the last few days, and immersing himself in its story sounded like a good way of forgetting the annoyances of the morning.

Before opening the book, he lowered the flames in the Floo and loosened the collar of his robes. Little did he realize, the warmth he felt creeping over him was not from the fire but from the potion beginning to take effect. Feeling only marginally cooler, the clueless wizard opened the novel to the page he had marked the night before and gasped. Instead of the lines of literature that he had been expecting, the pages were filled with erotic moving photographs. He flipped through the book and saw that the entire thing was full of pornography in varying degrees of intensity, featuring a myriad of subjects – men and women, men and men, and women and women. He noticed that a majority of the scenes featured three-way action between two men and a woman.

As Severus perused the pages, he felt his arousal increase and his pants tighten. He wasn't normally into the typical Neanderthal pleasures of Blue Pensieves or porn magazines, but he was beginning to feel quite randy. Perhaps a visit to Knockturn Alley would be in order this weekend.

He leaned over and downed the rest of his Firewhisky and then stared into the empty glass, suddenly understanding what was going on. If the pranksters who had been tormenting him all morning were able to get into his rooms to alter his book, then who's to say that they hadn't drugged his bottle of Ogden's as well? That would certainly explain his increased state of arousal. He hadn't tasted or smelt anything unusual, but he was all too aware that there were a whole host of ways to make a potion undetectable. He frowned at the half-full bottle before vanishing it with his wand.

Hermione and Draco laughed at his assumption. They had purposely not spiked the whiskey directly, so as not to ruin the entire bottle, but the professor had taken care of that himself. The Head Boy made a mental note to send the wizard a fresh bottle from the case his father had given him for Christmas. He wasn't particularly fond of the fiery bourbon anyway.

Severus huffed and sat back against the stiff cushions of the armchair. It had already been an insufferably long day and he'd only been awake for a little over an hour. Blasted children, or colleagues – at this point, he really didn't know who to blame. The whole sordid ordeal was obviously supposed to be sexual, but who would be delusional enough to make him the target of such debauchery? His students saw him as the Greasy Bat of the Dungeons, so surely none of them would try to seduce him in this manner. And then there were his coworkers. Sybil, if truth be told, had been trying to sink her gin-soaked hooks into him for years, but the crackpot didn't possess a fourth of the magical talent he had been victim to that morning. Albus had both the power and the foolish love of the holiday to accomplish such a thing, but his pranks usually involved all the Potions master's prized ingredients being replaced by sweets – which reminded him, he needed to check his stores immediately. Minerva, on the other hand, hated April Fools' Day nearly as much as he did and no one else within the castle had the nerve to mess with the ex-Death Eater's property. His reputation for hexing first and asking questions later worked in his favor in this instance. Even Peeves generally stayed away from him. Though, if it had been the work of the poltergeist, there'd be a tell-tale smattering of ectoplasm all over his rooms.

Severus sighed as he began to absently thumb through the book in his hands. The solution to the riddle felt like it was staring him in the face, but was just out of his grasp. It was nearly maddening and he soon gave up trying. His hormones were in overdrive, thanks to the depraved individual that had chosen him as their victim today, and his brain wasn't functioning at its usual speed. Instead of fighting the effects of whatever toxin was currently churning in his bloodstream, he figured he might as well enjoy it. He could already feel his body's increasing demand for release and it'd more than likely only exacerbate the problem to ignore it.

With another sigh, he turned his attention to the moving photographs in the book and the attractive witch who was currently sucking off two wizards at once. Her hair was the color of honey-covered almonds and reminded him of someone, but he couldn't quite put his finger on who as the haze began to seep through his mind.

Hermione gasped when the professor began to rub himself through his trousers. "Looks like we're going to get a sneak peek."

"Indeed it does," Draco replied, feeling his own cock twitch excitedly.

The pair stared transfixed as Snape continued to immerse himself in the carnal scenes in the book and rub himself, eventually freeing his manhood from its fabric confines. With lust-filled eyes, they watched as he tentatively began to stroke himself, a small moan escaping his thin lips when his hand first made contact.

It was quite a sight to behold. Hermione had never seen more than the man's hands and face exposed in all the years that she had known him, but here she was, gazing upon the trickle of fine black hair on his lower abdomen, the smooth pale skin stretched taunt across his enormous, hard shaft, and the surprising scarcity of pubic hair. His package, in its entirety, was beautiful, if such a word could be used to describe such a monstrous appendage.

"My gods, he's huge!" the Gryffindor squeaked.

Draco chuckled at her succinct assessment but was truthfully just as surprised. "I guess that's what he's been trying to hide under those bulky robes all these years."

Neither of the spectators could pull their eyes from the screen as the severe wizard laid his head back against the chair, his dark eyes fluttering shut as his strokes increased. Before long, he reached his climax and came with a raspy gasp that left both his students unbelievably turned on and eagerly anticipating the man's reaction to their finale.

Severus cleaned up the mess with a shaky flick of his wand, pulled his trousers back up, and slumped back into the chair, his breathing slightly erratic. But even as his muscles sagged in relief, he could feel the insatiable demands of the suspected lust potion reasserting themselves. Whoever had concocted this humorless prank had apparently wanted him to spend the day wanking off like a schoolboy. He irritably readjusted himself in the chair as blood began to make its way to his deflated cock again. In the movement, the pornographic novel, which had been lying open on his chest, fell to the floor and closed with a snap.

As if on cue, the mantel over his fireplace suddenly lit up with a series of unnatural lights and caught the professor's attention. From where he sat, the display appeared to be several fairies moving about – dancing perhaps – with their lights ablaze.

Snape stood and walked to the mantel to inspect the show more closely. The lights did, in fact, turn out to be fairies, but he had been seriously wrong about the dancing. There were four pairs of fairies flittering about, each engaged in various sexual acts, perfecting some pretty impressive positions considering that they were airborne at the time. He studied the copulating creatures with a curious expression for a moment before noticing something else out of place. A small sheet of parchment with neat green writing that seemed to glow in the fairy light had been placed unobtrusively on the dark wood. Without the floor show, it might have been days before he found it, which, he suspected, had been the point. Frowning, Severus picked up the short missive and began to read.

_Happy April Fools' Day, Severus!_

_Today's entertainment was brought to you_

_by Hogwarts' Head Boy and Girl._

_We hope you enjoyed it!_

_'Specialis Finite Incantatem' will put_

_everything back as it was._

_P.S. If you wish to discuss today's events or_

_dole out some much-deserved punishment,_

_we'll be available in our private common room at six p.m._

_We'll leave the Floo open for you convenience._

Hermione grabbed Draco's hand and they watched with bated breath as the dark-haired wizard stared at their note. This was it. All of their fantasies, plotting, and work culminated into one blaringly silent moment. There was no turning back now and there would be no possible way for them to deny it had been their doing. Hermione felt vaguely sick and the blond pure-blood, sensing the witch's distress, wrapped both his arms around her and pulled her into a reassuring embrace, murmuring words of encouragement into her curls.

Severus stared in shock at the letter in his hands, reading it three times to make sure that he understood it properly. Still, he couldn't believe the words on the paper. He could accept the fact that the two brightest students in the school – possibly in recent Hogwarts history – had the talent to pull off such complex spells, but beyond that, he was dumbfounded.

He sat the sheet of parchment back on the mantel and took a deep breath to steady his magically-frayed nerves before walking back to the coffee table and picking up his wand. With one last glance at the undulating fairies, he muttered, "_Specialis Finite Incantatem_," and everything went black.

The Head students watched the painting return to the original landscape and then turned to each other.

"Well, we did it," Draco announced, somewhat unnecessarily, as he released his grip on the girl.

Hermione nodded. "I'm pretty happy with the results, too. Everything worked just like we planned."

He kissed her temple. "Your spells were bloody brilliant, Granger."

She smiled at the blond's compliment. "Thanks, but I'm not sure Professor Snape is going to agree. How do you think he took it?"

Draco shrugged. "I'm not sure. I mean, he obviously got turned on by it all, but he didn't show much outward reaction when he read the note. I think he was more surprised by it all than anything. If he was angry, he would have shown it. So, the lack of cursing and fairy homicide works in our favor, but it's still hard to say how he's going to respond."

Hermione, whose stomach was full of butterflies or possibly a herd of Hungarian Horntails, buried her face in the boy's bare chest. "I guess we're just gonna have to wait. The suspense is going to kill me though."

"He'll probably be in the Great Hall for lunch, since we ruined his breakfast," he replied, swatting an errant curl out of his face. "Maybe we'll be able to gauge his mood a little better in person."

The witch suddenly jumped up. "I have to get in the shower! It's nearly lunch time!"

Draco laughed but stood as well and stretched. "Me, too. Meet me here in thirty minutes and we'll walk down together. It'll be better to present a united front."

"Then _I _better hurry," she said with a wink, knowing that it took the prissy blond far longer to get ready than it took her.

After that comment, they separated, each heading to their private bathrooms. Thirty-two minutes later, Hermione, dressed in hip-hugging jeans and a baby blue jumper, rejoined Draco in the common room. The blond wore tailored black slacks and a dark purple buttoned-down shirt. His silky hair was pulled back and tied at the nape of his neck.

The Gryffindor smiled at her sexy friend. "You look hot."

"I know," the pure-blood replied and then laughed when she punched him in the shoulder. "And you look beautiful as always, Granger." Brilliant or not, all witches craved compliments.

She smiled. "That's more like it."

Draco smirked as he held out his hand chivalrously. "Shall we?"

Hermione linked her arm in his and they left their rooms, heading for the Great Hall. The majority of the student body had gotten used to seeing the Head Boy and Girl together, even though they had been enemies during their prior school years, so no one gave them a second glance as they walked down the Grand Staircase arm in arm.

"You ready for this?" Draco asked as they stopped just outside the closed double doors.

She gave him a nervous smile. "Just so you know, if he tries to hex us, I'm using you as a human shield."

The blond chuckled. "A fine display of that legendary Gryffindor bravery."

With that, he dropped her arm and pushed open the heavy doors. Both sets of eyes darted immediately to the staff table at the front of the hall. The Potions master, who had obviously been expecting their arrival, pinned them in an intense glare. His expression practically oozed rage but even from a distance, they could see the residual heat in his eyes, no doubt a side effect from the potion they had slipped him. They each flashed him a cheeky smile and, seemingly against his will, the professor's thin lips curled upward in amusement.

After a quick good-bye and a reminder to stay away from the pumpkin juice, the Head students parted and each went to their usual seats. Hermione sat next to Ginny and across from the boys, who were both grinning from ear to ear. As soon as her butt hit the bench, the food appeared on the tables. Harry and Ron exchanged a conspiratorial wink as they watched everyone begin to serve themselves.

Within minutes, a symphony of loud bangs filled the hall, accompanied by puffs of thick smoke. All four house tables, along with the staff table, were soon eclipsed by the mysterious white vapor. There was an outbreak of muted chatter and whispering but as the smoke began to dissipate, the room erupted in a mixture of screams, gasps, exclaimed curses, and laughter.

Hermione looked around in shock at the rainbow of colors throughout the room. Apparently, everyone who had partaken of the spiked juice had been rewarded by having their hair dyed a violent color. The hall was spattered with neon pinks, greens, oranges, and blues. She laughed out loud when she saw that the headmaster was now sporting a head and beard of long bright purple hair. She also noted with satisfaction that Draco's luxurious blond locks and Professor Snape's silken raven ones were unharmed.

Harry and Ron stood up from the Gryffindor table and appraised their handiwork with huge grins. "Happy April Fools' Day, everyone!" they shouted in unison, which was followed by a round of wild applause and more exclaimed cursing. A blue-haired girl from the Hufflepuff table threw a roll at the back of Ron's head.

The wizards took their seats and looked to the Head Girl, obviously expecting praise for their perceived brilliancy. She was barely able to resist the urge to roll her eyes, but she did manage to congratulate them on a job well done. She was glad now that Draco had talked her out of doing anything so juvenile.

For nearly half an hour, there were more disruptive bangs, puffs of smoke, and peals of laughter throughout the room as the students who hadn't caught on already were victimized and others purposely drank the tainted juice in order to try out the different colors. Hermione, whose nerves were already on edge, was immensely grateful when Dumbledore stood from his gilded chair and cleared his throat loudly to get everyone's attention. The hall fell silent immediately. The old man waved his wand and vanished the remaining remnants of the pumpkin juice before addressing the students. "Happy April Fools' Day indeed! We should all thank Messrs. Potter and Weasley for their practical joke, and I dare say Weasley's Wizard Wheezes deserves a fair share of the credit, as well." His blue eyes twinkled with amusement when they fell upon the cluster of seventh-years at the Gryffindor table.

"Yes, sir," Ron replied with a grin.

"And how long can we expect to be a more colorful Hogwarts, Mr. Weasley?" the headmaster asked, running his fingers through his vividly-tinted beard.

"About twelve hours," the redhead replied, his freckled cheeks turning pink.

"Wonderful!" Dumbledore exclaimed, truly delighted. "A well-executed prank, gentlemen."

The boys both grinned smugly as the violet-haired wizard took his seat again, completely impervious to the disgusted glare that Snape shot them. No doubt, the Potions master was furious that the miscreant Gryffindors had actually been congratulated for such infantile behavior. Hermione, despite her love for the two young men, was in a mind to agree with the professor. If it had been any other students, the reception surely wouldn't have been as warm. It was true that, after all Harry had been through, he deserved a little leniency, but sometimes the headmaster's obvious preferential treatment went a little too far. Those who knew the old man best, knew that his behavior towards the Boy-Who-Lived stemmed from equals parts true affection and residual guilt.

When Snape's eye caught hers, the Head Girl smiled sympathetically and his icy glare seemed to melt away. He nodded almost imperceptibly before looking away. Hermione's heart thumped excitedly against her chest as she glanced at the Slytherin table. Draco, who had seen the quick exchange, winked at her.

"So, what are you up to this afternoon, Hermione?" Harry asked, drawing her attention back to her own table.

"Nothing really," she replied with a shrug. It was a true enough answer; she pretty much had time to burn until that evening.

"Why don't you come out to the Quidditch pitch with us? We're just going to be playing around anyway. You can sit with Lavender and Luna and be our cheerleaders." Hermione made a face and Harry laughed. "Okay, okay, you don't have to cheer. Just come and watch. We don't get to see you much anymore." He emphasized the last part with a pout.

Hermione rolled her eyes at her bespectacled friend but knew he was being truthful; they had been apart much more this year than they had in the past and really, she could use the distraction. She'd worry herself sick without something to do. "Okay, I'll come."

"Great!" Harry replied with a grin. "Do you think you could get Malfoy to come, too? I'd be nice to have some decent competition."

"Oh, I see how it is," she said, pretending to be annoyed. "Using me to get to Draco."

He chuckled. "Who would've ever thought that that would happen? But I do want you to come, too."

She just rolled her eyes again and laughed before Ginny drew her into a conversation about a sixth-year Ravenclaw that she had her eye on. The rest of lunch passed by without incident.

After they finished eating, Hermione met the Head Boy in the Entrance Hall as the Gryffindors went to retrieve their brooms. "Harry wants you to go play with him," she told the blond.

Draco arched his eyebrow. "Does he, now? That could be interesting."

She snorted. "Quidditch, you prat. Get your mind out of the gutter."

"Pity, but I suppose I do need to conserve my energy for tonight," he replied with a grin. "Quidditch sounds like fun."

Hermione waited as he went to get his Firebolt XP and then they walked down to the pitch together to meet up with Harry, Ron, and the rest of the students that had shown up to play. Hermione sat with the small group of spectators and watched the makeshift teams battle, silently wishing that she had thought to bring a book with her. She had never really enjoyed Quidditch. She, of course, always cheered for Harry during matches but that was more for solidarity reasons than actual interest in the game. As the proud lioness that she was, she refused to lose the House Cup to anyone, including Draco, no matter what their personal involvement was. But without that incentive, she was bored to tears. Since Harry and Draco were flying too fast to actively keep track of them, the only interesting facet of the afternoon was watching the colorful whirls pass overhead as the victims of Ron and Harry's prank flew around the pitch.

After nearly three hours of tedium, the Snitch was finally caught in a particularly flashy move by the Slytherin Seeker. Relieved that the game was over, Hermione stood and stretched her atrophied muscles as she watched the players touch down on the field. Both Harry and Draco were grinning madly after such an exhilarating match. They both loved playing the sport and their skill levels were equal enough to provide them with a real challenge. Without the House rivalry to worry about, they enjoyed the competition immensely.

Hermione smiled when she saw Harry give the blond pure-blood a congratulatory slap on the back after they dismounted their brooms. Her green-eyed friend had matured a great deal in some respects and was finally starting to be able to let the past go. Ever since she and Draco had become friends, Harry had been slowly but surely warming up to the Slytherin. She doubted that they'd ever be best mates or anything, but it was enough for her that they could be in the same vicinity without trying to hex each other.

The Head Girl wound her way down the stairs and across the pitch with the other girls, and by the time she made it to the changing rooms, most of the players were emerging, including Harry, Ron, and Draco. She congratulated both Seekers just as Ron was attacked by his overzealous girlfriend, Lavender. Hermione shot them her best oh-get-a-room glare – a look that was well-practiced on the amorous couple – before strolling off towards the castle with Draco on one arm and Harry on the other.

As the windswept group of students trudged back up to the school, someone suggested a round of hot cocoa in the Great Hall to warm them up and it was no surprise that everyone quickly agreed. The house-elves' decadent cocoa was practically legendary.

After two cups and hearing the details of the game rehashed ad nauseam, Hermione and Draco excused themselves and headed back to their dormitory. If Snape decided to accept their invitation, they had a little over an hour before his arrival and there was much to be done.

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More to come... Please Review!

_Chapter title courtesy of Douglas Adams. The idea of the cacao pods are courtesy of the movie_ Chocolat_. I also must admit that the idea for the "aphrodisiacal smorgasbord" came from another HG/SS fanfic that I read a long time ago. I honestly can't remember the title or I would give the author credit. Thank you, whoever you are._


	3. Chapter 3

Warning: We have reached the chapter which earned this story its rating. What follows is pure, unadulterated smut. If you are unprepared to read things that JK Rowling never EVER intended to happen to her characters, please turn away now. If you do continue on, just remember that you have been warned.

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**Chapter 3: We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance**

Once they were alone in their common room, the anxious butterflies took flight in Hermione's stomach again. "Merlin, I might end up throwing up on him if he does show up, I'm so nervous."

Draco laughed, scooped the little witch into his arms, and kissed her forehead adoringly. "That would be quite an interesting way to start the evening. Silly me, I was thinking of champagne and strawberries."

"Champagne and strawberries?" she repeated, looking up at him. "You're such a closet romantic, Draco."

He made a face. "I am not. I've just seduced quite a few witches in my day and I know what works."

Hermione smirked at her arrogant lover. "I forgot that I was dealing with the reigning Slytherin sex god. But you do realize that we aren't trying to coerce a naïve witch into our bed, don't you? We're attempting to seduce our snarky bastard of a professor. I somehow doubt that he's the champagne and strawberries type."

The pure-blood gazed down at her thoughtfully. Perhaps she was right. Draco had heard stories about Severus from his father over the years so he knew some important basics, like the fact that the former spy had been known to engage both women and men in his youth. But the truth of the matter was, neither he nor Hermione really knew anything about the wizard's personal preferences or what he was like outside of his teaching and Head of House roles. All they had to go on was how he behaved in their fantasies, which were too varied to be a reliable guide.

"Well, I think we should still set a romantic mood, don't you?" Draco finally asked. It was always better to be prepared, after all.

"Yeah. I suppose, if nothing else, we can enjoy it ourselves," Hermione replied with a grin.

"Mmm, right." He kissed her gently. "Let's go get ready. There's not much time left."

At that warning, the Head Girl scurried off to her room to get prepared for the night's events. When she returned to the common room thirty minutes later, she was freshly showered and dressed in a green silk negligee that Draco had given her the previous Christmas. It hugged her curves, accentuated her breasts, and stopped mid-thigh, leaving her slender legs completely bare. Draco always said she looked breathtaking in it. She certainly hoped that the professor would be of the same mind.

The pure-blood wizard was setting out the champagne glasses and a bowl of strawberries when she entered the room. He was wearing only black silk pajama bottoms, leaving the tanned muscles of his arms and chest exposed, and had left his silky blond hair to hang loose, falling barely past the tops of his broad shoulders. He smiled seductively at her, heat radiating from his pale gray eyes, and walked towards her, looking for all the world like he had just stepped out of the centerfold of a _PlayWitch_ magazine.

Draco swiftly pulled her into his arms and kissed her, sharing the sweetness of the berries he had just been sampling. After a steamy minute, they pulled apart, both breathless.

"You look ravishing," he said, rubbing his hands down her bare arms.

Hermione blushed at the compliment. "And you look good enough to eat."

"Perhaps we can explore that theory later," he replied with a smirk.

After another quick taste test, the pair set about preparing for the professor's impending arrival. They dimmed the lights and set a music charm to play softly in the background. They also put fresh silk sheets on Draco's four-poster bed and sent about a hundred magical candles floating around his bedroom.

Moving back into the common room, they admired their handiwork before sitting down on the sofa. Draco poured them each a glass of champagne and handed the witch a strawberry before taking another for himself. Hermione took a sip of the chilled beverage, enjoying the sensation of the tiny bubbles running down her throat. She had always loved the taste of champagne, but it tended to make her randy and a bit light-headed, which was precisely why the Slytherin smuggled it into the school.

As she raised her glass to her lips a second time, the fire in the Floo turned a brilliant shade of green, bathing the wide-eyed couple in an unnatural light. Suddenly, a dark figured swirled around within the flames before materializing into the equally dark Potions master. Draco and Hermione both felt as if they had been Petrified as they watched the professor step out of the hearth and brush the soot from his robes.

Severus glared at the frozen, half-naked students on the sofa as he entered the dimly-lit room, instantly donning his most intimidating set of masks. He crossed his arms over his chest and impatiently waited for one of the hoodlums to regain the power of speech. He had no intentions of going easy on either of them.

Draco was the first one brave enough to break the pregnant silence. "Severus! Welcome to the Head dormitory. So glad you could make it. May I offer you some champagne?" He flashed his best sexy smile and Hermione snorted at the boy's unflappable ability to schmooze his way through any situation.

Severus raised his brow at the witch before scowling darkly at the insolent Slytherin. "Mr. Malfoy, I'm not here for champagne and pleasantries. I'm here because you and Miss Granger decided to break into my private, warded rooms, tamper with my personal property, and generally ruin my morning." His scowl deepened into a formidable sneer. "I'm here to give you both detention for the rest of the school year, and if you weren't the brightest students that I've ever been burdened with, I would've gone straight to the headmaster and demanded your immediate suspension."

Hermione had the decency to look ashamed but Draco's ingrained arrogance wouldn't allow it. "Oh, come off it, Severus. We know you enjoyed our entertainment this morning. We saw you."

The professor's jaw clenched. "What are you talking about?"

Draco looked at Hermione with a coy smile. She, in turn, smiled cautiously at the hostile wizard, unsure and more than a bit apprehensive about how he would take this revelation. "I placed an eavesdropping charm of your rooms, Professor. We saw... everything." The intensity of his glare made her simultaneously feel like a terrified first-year and an aroused pile of goo. Going with her first instinct, she sank back into the safety of the couch cushions.

Snape closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed. "I really should have you both kicked out of here."

"Yes, but we all know that you're not going to," Draco said defiantly. "Now come sit down, drink some champagne, and help me praise Granger's amazing Charms abilities."

The Potions master sighed again before opening his eyes and studying the arrogant boy, a surprising lack of malice in his expression. "You're remarkably like your father, Draco."

"Mmm, I know," the blond replied with a flattered smirk.

"That was not meant as a compliment," the older wizard snapped. Hermione snorted again, earning her another curious glance. "And you've quite surprised me, Miss Granger. I should have expected such devious behavior from a Malfoy, but not from you."

The Head Girl blushed and Draco laughed at her embarrassment. "You have no idea about Granger – the real her, the one hidden beneath the goody-goody, know-it-all act. I think it will shock you."

Severus smirked, his eyes flickering from the witch's flushed cheeks to her bare thighs, then back again. "No doubt you've had a negative effect on her, Draco. I'll have to suggest separate dormitories for the Head students to prevent such corruption in the future."

"I assure you, it was there all along," the pure-blood insisted. "I just had to break through a few barriers to find it." He winked at his roommate.

Hermione rolled her eyes at the men's discussion of her and drank the rest of her champagne. She leaned down to refill her glass, conscious of the fact the she was exposing her cleavage to the dark-haired wizard in the process. He seemed interested enough in her thighs; she might as well give him a proper show. She glanced up and met his eyes with a saucy grin.

Severus cleared his throat to steady his voice. "I don't even want to know how you two managed to smuggle alcohol into the castle. No doubt Lucius was involved."

"Indeed," Draco replied without hesitation. "Father has always believed in a well-stocked liquor cabinet."

"It's very good, Professor. Dom Pérignon. May I pour you a glass? It goes very well with the strawberries," Hermione offered as she patted the sofa cushion beside her, beckoning him to join them.

The former spy studied the scantily-clad pair suspiciously. Their intentions for the evening were painfully obvious, but what he still couldn't figure out was why. Why would the smartest and arguably most attractive couple – if they actually were a couple – in the entire school want with him? He was a sarcastic, emotionally-stunted wizard twice their age who hadn't had a sexual relationship outside of the occasional prostitute in almost twenty years. True, he wasn't geriatric yet, but he was far from adolescent. And he did have a well-maintained physique, thanks to a naturally high metabolism and all his years of being a double spy, but they couldn't know that. He had kept his body obsessively covered up after an embarrassing incident in his fifth year of school and was positive that neither of the indecorous students in front of him had ever seen any part of him except, perhaps, what they had apparently witnessed earlier that day. He knew that he was well-endowed – he'd always thought that it had been nature's compensation for giving him such a hideous nose – but they hadn't seen his package until after their little scheme was already in play, so that hadn't been a deciding factor, only an added bonus, no doubt, in their obviously over-sexed teenaged minds.

Severus furrowed his bow. The only way for him to discern their reasoning – without resorting to illegal uses of Legilimency or Veritaserum – was to play along with their twisted little game. After all, they could hardly be considered students anymore. They were both of age and were mere weeks away from taking their N.E.W.T.s. Giving in to their wishes wouldn't be the most ethical thing he had ever done in his life, but it would a far cry from the most iniquitous as well. Any other wizard might have retreated from such a no-win situation, regardless of whether they would've forfeited any chance of uncovering the truth, but Snape wasn't one of them. He was determined to ascertain their motives and punish them accordingly, no matter what he had to endure beforehand. Well, that's what he tried to convince himself of, any way.

Resigning himself to the whims of the impetuous youths, he made to sit in the armchair across from Draco's end of the sofa, but the blond lazily flicked his wand at the chair, vanishing it and causing the wizard to stumble in surprise.

"Uh uh uh, Severus. Come and sit with us." The pure-blood patted the adjacent cushion just as Hermione had done and smiled disarmingly at the scowling professor.

He sighed, moved to the sofa, and sat stiffly between the grinning adolescents. He looked and felt extremely awkward and uncomfortable in the position, his back ramrod straight, barely resting on the cushion, and his hands clenched on his knees, which were locked in ninety degree angles.

Draco and Hermione, who were both quite comfortable now, angled towards the wizard and beamed with victory. He rolled his eyes at their smug expressions.

Taking the initiative to make the first move, Hermione bravely leaned across the professor's lap to reach the champagne bottle and empty flute. In doing so, she consciously rubbed her silk-clad breasts across the back of the rigid man's hand and the top of his knees. She grinned in satisfaction when she heard his sharp intake of breath. She pulled back and looked at him innocently as she poured him a glass of the bubbly beverage.

Draco chuckled, drawing Snape's shocked focus to the opposite end of the couch. "I told you she was a firecracker."

"Indeed," Severus replied in a silky tone, his eyes turning back to the Gryffindor. She noticed a hint of fire deep within his fathomless black orbs.

She handed him the champagne flute and, in an effort to stoke his budding interest, reached down for a plump strawberry, placing her left hand high on his thigh and causing him to gasp slightly. Hermione grinned coyly and brought the berry up to his mouth. He quirked his eyebrow in amusement as she rubbed the ripe fruit across his thin lips. "Take a bite, Professor, then take a sip of the champagne. The combination is almost sinful."

The heat in his eyes spiked as he obediently parted his lips and drew the berry in. As instructed, he took a bite, then raised his glass and took a sip. His eyes fluttered shut for a moment as the delicate flavors mingled on his tongue but popped back open when he felt the witch rubbing her hand up and down his thigh.

"Good, isn't it, Professor? It's one of my favorite pairings."

His attention flickered to her roaming hand, then slowly raked up her body before coming to rest on her melted chocolate orbs. "Quite delicious," he replied in a low murmur that sent a tingle down her spine.

Draco, starting to feel left out, cleared his throat to break their steamy gaze. "Severus, you're entirely overdressed. How about we help you with that?" he suggested in a lazy drawl.

"Ooh, good idea!" Hermione chimed in when the Potions master scowled at Draco.

The Head students worked together to remove Snape's outer robes, frock coat, and boots, despite his half-hearted objections, leaving him in black slacks and a crisp white dress shirt. They managed to unbutton the cuffs and top two buttons of his shirt before he stopped them.

"I think that's enough for now," he said, ignoring the Slytherin's playful pout and taking another sip of his champagne. "I'd like to know a few things first."

"That seems fair," Draco replied. "What do you want to know?"

Severus took a moment to collect his semi-scattered thoughts. The pair was distracting if nothing else. "I think my first question would have to be on what the nature of your relationship with each other is. It's quite obvious now that you're, shall we say, close, but I've never noticed you behaving as a couple before."

"Technically, we're engaged, I believe," Hermione announced, grinning at her betrothed, who snorted. "But we aren't dating."

"That clears things up nicely," the professor replied sarcastically.

"We're friends, Severus – best friends who have amazing sex," Draco elaborated with a smirk.

The older wizard didn't bat an eyelash at that statement as he took a second strawberry from the bowl, bit the fruit from the leaves, and followed it with another swig of champagne. "And how did you come about that _arrangement_? You've been mortal enemies for the past six years."

The Head Girl refilled the professor's flute, cupping his hand in hers as she steadied the glass, and let Draco answer the question. He was particularly fond of that story.

"We started the year that way. We fought like cats and dogs for about a month, locked up in here together. Then one night we got in a huge argument about something stupid and ended up pulling our wands." He paused to chuckle at the memories of that night. "So there we were, less than a foot apart, wands pressed into each other's chests, eyes locked, anger rolling off both of us in waves – it was pretty intense. We stayed that way for two, three minutes, I guess – both of us too stubborn to back down – then the next thing I know, we're all over each other, ripping clothes off, the whole nine yards. There's nothing hotter than angry sex. It was mind-blowing." He smirked at the witch, his pale eyes hot with desire. "And the rest is history, I suppose."

Hermione, who felt her own desire pool deep in her stomach, stood up, passed in front of the professor, letting her fingertips graze his knees, and sat down in Draco's lap. He smirked again before pulling her into a fiery kiss. She trailed her hand down his bare muscular chest, earning a small moan from the blond. She opened her eyes slightly and saw Snape watching them, an almost primal hunger in his eyes. It was at that moment that she knew they had him.

Once they pulled apart, Hermione made no effort to move off of Draco's lap. Instead, she settled back against his chest, his arms snaking around her waist, and, in a show of Gryffindor bravery, stretched her legs out, resting them across the older Slytherin's thighs.

Severus gazed down at her bare legs, traversing their length with his eyes from her delicate toes, painted crimson red, up to the apex of her thighs that was barely concealed by sheer green satin. He felt his body respond to the display before him and glanced up at the audacious woman with a perfectly arched eyebrow.

Hermione smiled sweetly. "What other questions do you have, Professor?"

He cleared his throat, trying desperately to regain his composure. "I suppose my most pressing concern is your reasons behind all this. What are you trying to accomplish here? Why me? For Merlin's sake, I'm almost twenty years older than you both. I've known you, Miss Granger, since you were a bossy little eleven year old, and I've known Draco since the day he was born. I'm your professor and a former Death Eater, and unless I'm delusional, Miss Granger, you and the rest of your Gryffindor friends have despised me since your first year."

Draco shook his head. "None of that matters tonight, Severus."

"For the record, Professor, I've never despised you," Hermione corrected, needing him to grasp that concept if nothing else. "My friends may have, but their stupidity shouldn't be held against me. I've admired and respected you since my very first Potions class. You're brilliant and brave and incredibly sexy." To prove her point, she leaned forward, cupped his pale cheek, and placed a gentle yet searing kiss on his thin lips.

The wizard seemed to go into shock as her lips pressed determinedly against his. He made no attempt to kiss her back but he didn't push her away either. She took solace in that small fact and slid her hand from his cheek to the back of his head, pulling him closer. His mouth was quite pleasant when he wasn't deducting House points and assigning detentions.

Truthfully, that kiss did a lot to Severus, even though he couldn't get his brain to function enough to return it. He hadn't been willingly kissed by a woman in a very long time, and the little witch's eager lips broke apart the last bits of reservation he had. Suddenly he was determined to not only play along with their game, but to score as many goals as he possibly could.

Hermione sat back slightly, removing her hand from his inky black hair and placing it on top of his as she looked him squarely in the eyes. "This morning's prank was meant to be funny and to entice you here, but I promise you, Professor, tonight is no joke. Draco and I are both very attracted to you. We've each fantasized about being with you for quite awhile and we simply want the opportunity to make those fantasies a reality, if only for tonight," she said in a sultry whisper.

Without a second thought, Severus drew the girl into his arms and kissed her fiercely, letting his pent-up desires flow through their lips. All rules and agendas were thrown on the wayside at her simple yet striking words. He needed no other explanation, and if he was completely honest with himself, he probably never did.

As the professor deepened the kiss by probing her mouth experimentally with his tongue, Hermione resituated herself so that she was straddling his lap. She could feel his growing erection between her legs and boldly rubbed against him, earning a guttural moan from the older Slytherin. When she finally pulled back from his hungry mouth in desperate need of oxygen, she was amazed by the amount of heat in his once cold eyes. She looked over at Draco, who had been watching the show, and his own arousal was quite evident by the tenting of his silk sleep bottoms. The realization that she had two hard men practically at her disposal was a very heady thought and turned her on more than she already was.

Hermione held out her hand to Draco and pulled him closer to her and Severus. She kissed him softly, then sat back on the professor's knees, letting the pure-blood take over. Draco gave her a quick wink before turning his attention to the Potions master.

Severus admired the younger wizard for a moment. He so reminded him of his father and of the clandestine escapades he and Lucius had shared in their youth. He reached out, entwined his long fingers in the Seeker's white-blond locks, and drew him closer. Pale gray eyes met fathomless black before Draco leaned in and brushed his lips against the professor's.

Severus pulled him in further, deepening their connection. The Slytherin prince was an even better kisser than his father had been and, like the witch on his lap, tasted faintly of strawberries. His trousers became uncomfortably tight as the pure-blood's ardor increased, his Seeker-trained fingers tangling into Severus' silky hair.

Hermione had never seen a more erotic sight in her life than watching the two men kiss. She had never shared Draco with another person before, let alone another man, but the thought of him being with the professor – his blond tresses and tanned body contrasting sharply with Severus' black hair and pale skin – caused a pool of desire to collect in her knickers. Suddenly, the professor's hand, which had been resting unobtrusively on her hip, tugged her against his chest forcefully. Hermione gasped as the wizard's erection was pressed against the jumble of nerve endings between her legs. She immediately mounted an attack on the man's neck, kissing, licking, and biting the tender flesh from his collarbone up to the sensitive skin behind his ear, paying special attention to his pulse points, as the two wizards continued to tongue wrestle.

Severus moaned into Draco's mouth in response to his students' combined ministrations. Every nerve in his body felt on fire and his need for increased contact was reaching a fevered pitch – no doubt a result of the damned potion he had naïvely ingested earlier. Before he had a chance to become irritated about that fact, the curly-haired witch ground against his engorged manhood again, freeing a deep growl from his chest that unknowingly sent a shock wave of pleasure straight to the Head Boy's cock.

Hermione, spurred on by the sights and sounds around her, laid her free hand against Draco's bare chest and began to caress his smooth skin. It was his turn to moan when she tweaked one of his hard nipples. He retreated from Severus' mouth to glance lustfully at the witch. Grasping the back of her neck, he pulled her into a searing kiss.

As their mouths became reacquainted with each other, Severus leaned to the side to run his tongue and teeth along the Slytherin's neck and shoulder as his hands simultaneously rubbed the wizard's bare back and Hermione's satin-covered one. When he dipped down and drew Draco's nipple into his mouth, the tanned boy hissed at the unexpected sensation and pulled away from Hermione's mouth.

Both the students turned to their professor and wordlessly decided that he was still entirely too covered up. Retaining their current positions, they began to work together to remove his dress shirt. Hermione started at the top buttons while Draco pulled the shirt's tails out of the man's tented trousers.

"Wait," Severus urged in a low, raspy voice. "Before we go any further, I need to say a few things to you both." Draco and Hermione's hands stilled as they gave him their undivided attention.

"Firstly," he began, once assured of their alertness, "if we continue with this, what happens here tonight must stay within these rooms. You cannot discuss it with anyone – or even between yourselves – outside of these walls. Furthermore, what happens between us will not, in any way, affect my treatment of you in class or as Head of Slytherin House, and will not be reflected in the grades that you receive from me. Is that clear?"

"Of course, Severus," Draco replied immediately. "That was never our intention."

He nodded and then turned his dark eyes to the Gryffindor, who had yet to answer. He was unwilling to waver on those points and his expression clearly demonstrated that.

"Yes, sir," Hermione said without realizing how absurd it sounded given her current position on his lap.

Severus smirked. He rather liked that response. He was the domineering type, especially in the bedroom, and he liked his witches to be a bit submissive, at least during sex. Tonight was about punishment, after all. But also, he preferred his partners spunky and willing to give as good as they received. It looked like Hermione would fit those requirements quite well. Draco, on the other hand, was just as arrogant and headstrong as Lucius, so he was more of a sexual wildcard, but one that Severus was eager to test out just the same.

"The second thing I need to _prepare_ you for, is my body," he continued, then paused for a minute, as if unsure of what to say or how to phrase it. "I have quite a few... remnants from my days of service to the Dark Lord. I just don't want them to surprise you."

Hermione was particularly struck by his honesty. She could sense his vulnerability and shame and briefly wondered how many people had ever been privy to such openness from the taciturn Potions master. Suddenly seized by the urge to comfort and reassure him, she leaned in and kissed the wizard gently before unfastening the remaining shirt buttons. Once they were all undone, she pulled the shirt open and slid it off his shoulders.

As Severus pulled his arms out of the sleeves, the Head students took in the vast crisscrossing scars on his chest and abdomen. Draco had seen his father's similar wounds and was somewhat prepared, but Hermione had never witnessed such evidence of cruelty. The professor watched her face closely as she reached out to touch the thin pink lines that ran over his heart. She stopped short of contact and looked up at him questioningly. "Do they hurt?" she whispered.

"Not anymore," he answered patiently, forcefully suppressing the anxiety he felt. No one but himself and Poppy had ever seen his battle scars before. Even the occasional whores he partaken in over the years had been oblivious to his condition because he never fully undressed in front of them or let them touch him in any way. This situation was already vastly different from those covert liaisons and he didn't want his apprehension to dampen the experience.

The witch, ever-so-gently, touched his chest and traced the lines of torture. The look on her face was unfathomable as she bent down and placed a delicate kiss on the blemished skin. When she sat back again, her chocolate eyes locked on his. "They're beautiful, Professor. Beautiful because of what they represent and the story that they tell," she reassured him, a hint of sadness in her voice.

Instantly flooded with relief, Severus pulled the girl into his arms and kissed her forehead in an uncharacteristically warm manner.

Draco sighed. "You two can certainly kill a mood," he said with an exasperated huff before getting off of the sofa, crossing the room, and disappearing into his adjoining bedchamber.

From the comfort of the professor's embrace, Hermione watched her impetuous friend with amused curiosity, wondering what he was up to. With Draco, it was bound to be something mischievous but undoubtedly entertaining.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, the blond returned with a lit joint perched on his grinning lips and second one in his hand. "How about we get this party started?"

The Gryffindor giggled at her friend's antics. Draco wasn't normally one for "touchy feely" shows of emotion, even during sex, so she wasn't a bit surprised by his response to the intense interaction between her and the other wizard.

Severus, on the other hand, was completely caught off guard by the flagrant violation of school rules. He would've never imagined that the Head students got up to such mischief behind closed doors if he hadn't seen it for himself. "I believe that's contraband, Mr. Malfoy," he said sternly.

Draco took a long pull off the herbal cigarette, held it in as long as he could, then expelled the acrid smoke with a smirk. "Are you going to punish me, Professor?"

He scowled. "I believe you'd enjoy corporal punishment far too much for it to serve as any sort of correction."

Draco grinned deviously as he crossed the room and held out the joint to his Head of House before resuming his place on the sofa. Severus gingerly accepted the cigarette and took a cautious puff. The last time he had indulged in marijuana had been with Albus right after the Dark Lord's defeat. Though he readily welcomed the drug's calming effects, it wouldn't do for his students to see him inebriated, even these particular students.

After he released the intoxicating fumes from his lungs, he passed the joint to Hermione, who was still entangled in his embrace. She sat up and took two deep drags before giving it back to Draco. Feeling a slight tingle from the magically-enhanced cannabis, she snaked her fingers into the professor's raven hair and kissed him. As she slipped her small tongue past his lips, Severus pulled her flush against him, pressing her taunt nipples against his chest and her damp core against his re-hardening erection. They both moaned at the contact.

Draco watched the snogfest as he smoked the remainder of the joint by himself. Enjoying a nice buzz, he vanished the roach with his wand before deciding to rejoin the action, which had escalated to pretty heavy kissing.

Hermione's hands were still laced behind the wizard's head and his were absently caressing her hips and sides. The pure-blood got up from the couch and stooped behind the witch. Sweeping her honey-toned curls to the side, he ran his tongue over the delicate ridge of her ear and down her neck, ending at her collarbone, which he sucked on gently. He heard the low, approving whimper in her throat as one of her small hands slipped around the back of his neck and playfully tugged at his hair. He grinned against her skin and pulled the thin straps of her nightgown off her shoulders. With her help, he managed to remove the straps completely and lower the top of the negligee past her breasts. As his mouth resumed its previous task on her neck, Draco reached down to grab both of the professor's hands and lead them up to the witch's newly-exposed bosom.

She moaned at the skin on skin contact and Severus pulled away from her lips to stare down at her bare chest. Draco watched the man's heated expression as he guided his hands across the girl's breasts the way pure-blood knew that she liked. Hermione arched her back into the blond's chest and lowered her eyes to watch the wizards' entwined hands caress her sensitive skin. The sight made her nearly light-headed with desire.

Releasing the professor's hands, Draco moved to the side of the couple, knelt on the sofa cushion, and angled Hermione's torso towards him. "Let me show you what drives her wild," he murmured before dipping his head down and circling his tongue around the Muggle-born's puckered areola, eliciting a sharp intake of breath from her.

Hermione moaned loudly at the combined sensation of Draco sucking her nipple into his mouth and the bulge in the professor's trousers pulsating against her insistently. She hissed in delight when Severus decided to mimic the younger wizard's actions on her other breast. Through hooded eyes, she watched the two men feast upon her. She had never experienced anything quite so stimulating before and she felt the slow burn at the apex of her thighs build with intensity, signaling her imminent climax. The two wizards were going to get her off just with the beginnings of foreplay.

Sensing their goal in sight, Draco and Severus suckled the witch in tandem, pushing her further and further towards the edge. When she couldn't stand the torture a moment longer, Hermione ground herself unabashedly against the professor's massive erection and came with a shuddering gasp of incoherent words. The men each gave her rosy nipples a final flick before sitting back to admire the flushed witch with matching smirks.

"I told you she'd like that," Draco said to his partner in crime.

"Indeed," Severus replied. "You're quite the responsive little witch," he told her appreciatively.

"Mmm," the blond mumbled as he ran his hand under the green silk of her negligee, bypassed the flimsy scrap of satin that she called knickers, and plunged a finger into her slick folds, taking care to brush against her swollen clit in the process. She gasped and Draco withdrew his finger, brought it to his lips, and sucked her juices from it. "She certainly is."

Hermione gave him a playful shove. "Oh, yeah? Let's see how well you handle two on one attention."

Draco waggled his eyebrows suggestively. "Good idea, love. But since Severus is our guest, I think he should be first, don't you?"

Hermione turned to the professor, bit her bottom lip seductively, and raked her eyes down his body, ending at the sizable bulge currently resting between her legs. "I think that's an excellent idea." In one fluid motion, she slipped off of the wizard's lap and onto her knees between his legs. She saw desire spike in his eyes under his perfectly arched eyebrow.

Taking the Gryffindor's cue, Draco seized Severus' mouth in a passion-driven kiss as his left hand moved into the man's tousled hair and his right began to stroke his pale chest. Hermione watched them for a moment before focusing on her own tantalizing task. She leaned in, resting her forearms on the professor's thighs, and pressed a few kisses to his lower stomach as her breasts rubbed enticingly over the tent in his trousers. She circled his belly button with her tongue and traced the thin scars that traversed his abdomen before moving to the trickle of fine black hair that ran down his navel and disappeared beneath his belt. Hermione had always found this part of a man's body incredibly sexy and tonight was no exception. She placed several feather-light kisses down the trail before teasingly running her tongue under the top of his slacks.

Severus, who had reclined his head on the back of the sofa to allow the blond access to his hardened nipples, let out a muffled moan and his hips jerked upward reflexively. Hermione and Draco smirked at each other, knowing that they finally had the Potions master right where they had wanted him for some time now.

Draco went back to the wizard's scarred chest but kept his pale eyes on Hermione as she began to unfasten the professor's leather belt. The pure-blood had never shared a witch with another man before. Even though Hermione wasn't technically his girlfriend, he had been shagging her and only her for months now. The thought of her being with another wizard would've normally infuriated him – Malfoys were possessive people by nature – but as he watched her slowly lower the zipper on Severus' trousers, he didn't feel even the slightest twinge of jealousy. In fact, he was incredibly turned on by the idea of her being shagged by the former Death Eater. This situation was different somehow, perhaps because they were, in essence, sharing Severus. There was no animosity between any of them, just need, passion, and desire.

Hermione finally finished unzipping the older wizard's trousers and pulled them down as far as she could while he was still sitting. She was then met by the silky black barrier of his boxer shorts. They were tented enormously and throbbing slightly as if they were alive. As she breathed down upon the last obstacle that stood between her and the professor's manhood – a virtual wall separating the rule-abiding Gryffindor Head Girl that most people believed her to be and the teacher-shagging wildcat that she had fantasized herself as for months – she was amused by the irony that Severus wore the same type of underpants as Draco. At the beginning of the school year, she had been in much the same position, staring down at the blond's black silk shorts and knowing that if she removed them, she'd be taking an irreversible step.

She glanced up to find Draco watching her, a mixture of lust and adoration in his eyes. Hermione knew that she loved the boy and that he loved her. Even though they weren't in love and would never get married and live happily ever after like in one of the Muggle fairy tales she was read as a child, she knew that she had made the right decision to be with him. So in trusting that belief, she must be making the right decision tonight as well. With newfound conviction, Hermione ran her fingertips under the waistband of the professor boxer shorts and pulled them over his straining erection.

Severus groaned as his member was freed from its confines and met with the cool air. Had Hermione not seen his goods on display that morning, she would have been shocked by the size of it. It was long and thick, the skin pale and smooth, and the uncircumcised head glistened with pre-cum. The witch's mouth practically watered at the sight.

Draco, who had also been admiring the man's newly-freed assets, drew him into a fiery kiss. Once their tongues were locked in a sensual struggle for supremacy, the Seeker reached down and grazed the length of the Severus' cock with his fingers, eliciting a hiss and another involuntary buck of the professor's hips.

Draco removed his hand and Hermione took his place with her tongue, licking her way from the base of the thick shaft to its weeping head, enjoying the muffled moans and the slight quaking of the wizard's thighs. She ran her tongue back down in a zigzag pattern then swirled it across his balls before gently sucking one into her mouth. Severus moaned again and muttered a few curse words against Draco's lips.

The blond pulled back with a chuckle and looked down at the witch feasting on the Slytherin's gonads. His own cock throbbed painfully at the sight and he decided to assist her in the delicious task – it was a big job after all. He leaned down and, as Hermione continued to fondle the man's balls, Draco circled the tip of his cock with his tongue before sucking the head into his warm mouth.

Severus groaned. "For the love of Salazar, you two are going to kill me," he said in a shaky voice. The younger witch and wizard both grinned – as much as they could, at least, with their mouths full – and then proceeded to show him exactly how good death could feel.

Draco moved his mouth up and down the professor's pulsating organ, taking in as much of it as he could. He had sucked off a few wizards before but none of them had been this big. To compensate, the resourceful Slytherin wrapped his hand around the base and began to stroke in rhythm with his mouth.

Each new sensation on his body felt doubly intense, thanks to the miscreants' earlier prank, and Severus could feel himself drawing ever-so-close to climax. At that point, there was nothing that he could do but let his senses take over and enjoy the ride.

Hermione, sensing the wizard's impending orgasm by the tightening of his balls, moved her tongue upward and chased behind Draco's hand, up and down the professor's shaft. The added sensation was enough to send him over the edge and Severus bucked his hips and exploded his release in pure-blood's eager mouth, exclaiming, "Fuuuck!" in a deep growl.

Draco did his best to swallow every drop of the salty fluid before releasing the spent organ from his mouth. He and Hermione both sat back and smirked at their normally composed Potions professor, who was now slumped against the sofa cushions with his eyes closed and his mouth slack. He looked positively handsome and completely harmless without his customary sneer.

"I told you two against one was intense," Hermione teased.

"Intense is hardly the word, Miss Granger," Severus replied without moving, still waiting for his body to recuperate.

"I think you can call me by my first name now, Professor. I did just have your balls in my mouth."

Draco snorted as the older man tilted his head up to stare at the witch incredulously. She certainly was a brave one. "I suppose that's true, Hermione."

She smiled brightly at him before turning to her classmate. "Now it's your turn. Care to wager how long you'll last?"

"Ha," Draco said with an arrogant grin. "Longer than either of you, I guarantee."

The professor rolled his eyes. "We'll see about that. I've got a few tricks up my sleeve."

"Let's see what you can do then," Draco retorted hotly.

Severus, accepting the younger wizard's challenge, stood up from the couch and pulled his pants back up on his waist. He held out his hand to Hermione and lifted the witch to her feet before bending down to kiss her. As his tongue ran over her lips, his hand went to the green silk that was pooled on her hips and pushed it to the ground, leaving her standing in only her skimpy little knickers. Severus pulled back from her lips and grazed down at her body appreciatively before whispering in her ear. "You take the top and I'll take the bottom." Hermione nodded with a mischievous grin and the professor turned to Draco. "Strip and sit," he ordered in an authoritative tone.

With complete self-confidence, Draco dropped his silk pajama bottoms and sat down, reclining back and spreading his arms over the back of the sofa. He looked up at them expectantly.

The older Slytherin rolled his eyes at the boy's arrogance. He was so much like Lucius and Severus was eager to see if he'd respond the same manner. He knelt down between Draco's splayed legs and glared into his gray eyes before focusing hungrily on the wizard's proud erection, nestled amongst soft blond curls. He leaned in, inhaling the younger man's scent, and ran his tongue from base to tip, causing a guttural groan to escape the Seeker's throat.

Hermione could hardly believe her eyes. After all her fantasizing and all of their plotting, was this really happening? Was she really watching Professor Snape, snarky Potions master, give Draco Malfoy, Prince of Slytherin, a blow job? Holy Hippogriffs!

Draco groaned again and bucked as the dark-haired man took his cock into his mouth. Severus had never had much of a gag reflex so he was able to take in the entire length, something that Draco had never experienced before but enjoyed immensely.

Smirking at the knowledge that Potions class would never be the same again, Hermione joined the men on the sofa. Draco was panting softly as she laid a kiss on his parted lips. She moved down and suckled the sensitive areas behind his ears and on his neck before running her tongue across his collarbone. She then licked her way to his nipples and nipped at them teasingly.

Draco's right hand sifted into the professor's hair, holding him in a delicious rhythm, while his left stroked Hermione's bare back as she twiddled his nipples expertly. He leaned down and whispered something in her ear and she replied with an impish grin.

The witch stood up on the cushions and straddled the pure-blood, resting her knees against the back of the sofa on either side of his head and placing her silk-clad mound directly in front of his face. Draco placed his hand on the small of her back to steady her as she pulled the thin material aside, exposing her glistening sex to him. The Slytherin loved to eat pussy and because he was fantastic at it, Hermione indulged him quite often. Oral sex was one of their favorite pastimes.

As the professor continued to suck his cock for all its worth, Draco slipped his tongue into Hermione's slick folds. She gripped his platinum hair as he grazed her clit and swirled his tongue inside her.

Enticed by the display in front of him and the moans coming from the gyrating witch, Severus ran his tongue over Draco's balls and down between his cleft. The blond bucked his hips at the unexpected contact and moaned loudly against Hermione's core as the wizard began to simultaneously stroke his engorged shaft and tongue his opening. Good gods, he had never experienced this before but the professor's dual ministrations felt amazing.

Draco sped up his tongue's movement over Hermione's sensitive bud to match Snape's strokes and within minutes, the witch climaxed in a symphony of moans and whimpers, coating his face with her juices.

After she stopped quivering, Hermione collapsed onto the sofa and relaxed back against the armrest to watch the professor coax Draco towards an orgasm. From the blissful look on the blond's face, it wouldn't be long.

Severus, who felt his own erection return at the sound of Hermione's climax, licked his way back up the man's organ and circled the head. Draco hissed in pleasure. He was dangerously close to release and the anticipation was maddening.

Instead of pushing him over the edge, Severus drew back and twisted around, grabbing the half-empty bowl of strawberries and his ebony wand off the table. Both the students watched curiously as the professor pointed his wand at the bowl and wordlessly vanished the fruit. He then swirled his wand in an intricate pattern causing a green gooey substance to stream from the tip of the wooden rod into the silver bowl.

Hermione peered down into the bowl and then looked questioningly at the professor. He gave her a quick wink before returning his attention to Draco. Severus lowered his mouth over the younger man's throbbing manhood, taking the entire length into his mouth before drawing his lips tight around the base and sucking vigorously. Draco's hips jerked upwards and the wizard moaned out a string of obscenities. Hermione chuckled at the boy's reaction. The Potions master sure knew what he was doing and she doubted that Draco would be able to hold out much longer.

As Severus started to work over the blond's rigid shaft, bobbing up and down, his curtain of black hair obscuring his face and tickling Draco's thighs, he reached down and coated two fingers in the green goo he had produced from his wand earlier. He raised the lubricated digits and ran them sensuously over Draco's perineum, causing the boy to shiver in nervous anticipation.

Severus continued his feverish sucking while he caressed Draco's now-slick inner cheeks, circling the tightly puckered opening. He released the wizard's cock from his mouth and looked up at him. "Relax, Draco. Let me show you how good it can feel."

Draco groaned lustfully and tried to consciously relax his muscles. He had wanted this for a long time but hadn't had a partner willing to do it, although he had never been willing to ask either. The proud Slytherin was a bit embarrassed to admit that he wanted to be buggered. Somehow, he had known that Severus would be the wizard to introduce him to these new pleasures.

The professor once again took the pure-blood into his mouth and began to work him into a frenzy. Draco was so close to the breaking point that everything else disappeared. All that existed was the delicious mouth moving up and down on his cock, driving him into Nirvana one stroke at a time.

It was at this point, when the wizard was so utterly unaware of everything but his own pleasure, that Severus began to stimulate his virginal entrance again. He carefully probed the tip of one long finger inside and waited a moment for Draco to become comfortable before penetrating further.

As the professor slowly worked his long digit in and out of the warm cavity, Draco moaned deeply. The sensation was strange but good – an exquisite mixture of pain and pleasure – and he panted in anticipation as he felt a second finger edge its way in.

Once Severus had successfully entered two fingers inside the handsome blond, he timed his strokes with the rapid motion of his mouth on the man's shaft. He was moaning uncontrollably at this point and Severus decided to send him over that glorious edge. He penetrated him deeply, sinking his long fingers in as far as he could, then curled his fingertips upward and grazed that oh-so-delicate sweet spot.

The reaction was immediate. Draco moaned loudly, jerked upward, and spurted his seed down the wizard's waiting throat. "Ah... Ah... Sever-us!" he stammered as the hot fluid shot from his body.

Severus continued to stroke Draco's prostate until the wizard's body stopped jerking. He carefully withdrew his fingers and gave one final suck before releasing his deflating cock, which fell limply against the boy's thigh. He leaned back against the coffee table with a sigh.

Hermione grinned at him. "Well done, Professor. I've never seen him react so expressively before."

"Mmm, I told you that I had some tricks up my sleeves," he replied, gazing at the witch, "and they've yet to all be exposed."

Hermione felt the excited butterflies in her stomach regroup in response to his fiery expression. She stood up from the couch and held out her hand to the professor. "Well then, let's retire to the bedroom. Perhaps we can unmask some of those secrets."

Severus smirked and allowed the almost naked Gryffindor to help him up off the floor. He held her hand as she led him into the adjoining bedchamber, leaving the near-comatose blond on the sofa.

When they entered the room, there was no doubt in his mind that it belonged to the pure-blood. Grand, ostentatious furniture, black satin sheets, a large Slytherin crest of the far wall. The candles were a nice touch, but the most beautiful thing the room was by far the scantily-clad witch, whose warm chocolate eyes were dancing in the candlelight.

Not being one for wasting time, Hermione flashed the wizard a brilliant smile then proceeded to climb into the large bed and sprawl out on the pixie-made pillows. Severus pushed his trousers and shorts to the floor and stepped out of them before mounting the bed and stretching out on his side next to the witch, his hand resting on her flat stomach and his erection poking into her hip.

"You look quite beautiful in the candlelight, Miss Gra—Hermione," he said quietly, his warm breath caressing her neck.

She smiled timidly, feeling a bit shy now that it was just the two of them. "Thank you, Professor. And you look..." Her eyes traveled down his naked body, resting for a split second on his massive cock before returning to his harshly lined face. "Amazing," she managed to choke out.

The professor smiled at her – a small genuine smile, perhaps the first she had ever seen grace his severe features. "Please call me Severus, at least for tonight."

"Very well, Severus." She smiled as his name slipped easily off her tongue. "Do you think Draco died or fell asleep?"

Before he could reply, the blond in question walked into the room. "Neither," he drawled. "I simply needed time for my legs to solidify again. Besides, you two look perfectly fine without me." He smirked. "Carry on."

Severus and Hermione both watched the Head Boy sit the silver bowl of lubricant and the second marijuana cigarette on the bedside table before surmounting the foot of the bed and laying across the mattress on his side, his head propped up on his hand in a clear voyeuristic position.

The professor rolled his eyes at the presumptuous wizard but he didn't have a problem with spectators – being a Death Eater had seen to that early on. He intended to shag the witch beside him senseless, or better yet, have her shag him senseless, and he couldn't care less if Draco got off on watching them or not. Severus planned on dealing with him after he made Hermione scream his name anyway.

Turning back to the curly-haired woman, he drew her into a kiss and, as his tongue slipped between her parted lips, his hand found its way to her breasts and began to softly caress them, rolling the hard peaks between his fingers. She moaned lightly into his mouth and tangled her hands into his hair. Severus' mouth moved to her neck, kissing and licking his way from her jaw to her collarbone. He dipped his tongue into the hollow at the base of her neck and tasted her pleasantly salty perspiration. He idly wondered how the rest of her body tasted and was determined to find out as his mouth moved lower.

Hermione moaned again as the professor's thin lips replaced his hands on her breasts, teasing her nipples with his teeth and tongue. His hand slid back down her stomach, this time venturing further towards her nether regions, where the witch felt a familiar ache start to build again.

Severus cupped her mound through the satin knickers that were barely shielding it from view. He could feel the heat radiating from her center and longed to taste her, to feel that heat wrapped around him, to nestle himself deep inside her willing body. He pulled aside the flimsy material, wishing he had his wand to banish the blasted hindrance, slipped two long fingers past the silk, and ran them ever-so-lightly down her outer lips.

Hermione moaned and shivered slightly as the raw, blinding need coursed through her. "Please, Professor... please," she pleaded in a barely audible whisper.

Severus smirked into the smooth skin above the Gryffindor's navel as he made his way lower down her quivering body, continuing to tease her slick external folds. He wanted her as wet as possible before he fucked her. She was a petite witch, after all, and his "assets" were quite a bit larger than the average man's. He wanted the experience to be pleasurable for her, not painful.

He tongued her belly button before sitting up on his knees at her side. He stared down at the loquacious know-it-all that had irritated him for years. With her face flushed with desire and her chestnut curls fanned out around her, her beauty, which he had never really appreciated before now, momentarily took his breath away. She looked like a succubus, hellbent on his undoing. "Come lay in front of me, Hermione," he breathed.

Without question, she slid sideways on her back until she was lying across the bed with the naked wizard between her legs and Draco lying beside her. She looked up at Severus through hooded eyes, desperate for him to release her from the sweet agony she was in. He grasped the satin material at her sides and slid it down her hips, and Hermione lifted her pelvis off the mattress before raising her long legs straight up in front of the professor, allowing him to remove her soaked knickers.

Once the shoddy garment was tossed aside, Severus lifted the witch's legs up and hooked them over his shoulders, raising her hips and lower back off the bed and bringing her glistening sex to his face. Hermione gasped at the sudden movement and the sensation of his warm breathe sweeping across her delicate skin.

The former spy took a moment to admire the view before delving in. It had been nearly two decades since he had tasted a woman and he intended to savor the moment in case it was another twenty years before it happened again.

Hermione, meanwhile, squirmed in his arms, trying to increase their contact. She was all for letting the dark wizard have his way with her but she hadn't signed up for torture. Thankfully, he obliged before she had to take matters into her own hands, and ran his tongue along her slit. She moaned and bucked as the professor plunged into her folds and tasted her exotic juices for the first time. He swirled around her swollen slit, causing her to squeal, before sinking his tongue into her opening.

Severus stroked in and out of her perfect pussy several times before returning to her clit. He might have been inexperienced at this particular art, but he was nothing if not a perfectionist. Using her varying moans and whimpers as a guide, he soon found a rhythm and intensity that had the Gryffindor teetering on the ever-fraying rope of ecstasy. After a few well-placed flicks of the very tip of his tongue, the girl came with a shriek and a powerful shudder.

With a quick taste of her ambrosia, he lowered her back to the bed and immediately plunged his cock deep inside her, knowing that the most intense time to enter a witch was directly after an orgasm. He remained still for a moment, enjoying the feeling of her wet warmth pulsating around him and sucking at his organ, as he allowed her to adjust to his size.

Hermione could hardly breathe from the intensity. Just as her coiled nerves had found their release, they were put on alert again as he penetrated her. She had never felt so utterly filled before. "Gods, Professor... you're so big," she panted, feeling his member throb inside her in response.

"Call me Severus. _Say my name_," he hissed as her muscles continued to pull at him.

"Fuck me, Severus. Fuck me, please," she begged, giving up all pretenses of keeping her sanity in check.

At those electrifying words, the wizard grasped her thighs and pulled his hips back, sliding partially out of her slick tunnel before thrusting his cock deep inside again, causing them both to moan. He pumped in and out of her sweetness, filling her to the hilt with every stroke, causing a delicious zing to run down her spine each time he hit her cervix.

Severus was almost undone by the sight of his hard shaft piercing the witch's delicate pink flesh and the sound of her intensifying moans. He mentally steeled himself, not wanting to reach his climax too quickly, lust potions be damned. After several deep thrusts, the professor leaned down towards Hermione's glistening body, his hands sliding underneath her shoulders. He kissed her before rolling them both over, their bodies still intimately connected, placing him on his back and the succubus astride him.

Hermione kissed him passionately, thrilling at the feel of him bending inside her. She sat up, his hands moving to her hips, and she began to slowly ride him. He felt even larger in this position and Hermione couldn't help the gasps that escaped her throat as she impaled herself on his manhood.

Suddenly, just as she was hitting a beautiful stride, she felt strong arms wrap around her from behind. Draco's delicate hands cupped her breasts as she continued to gyrate on top of the Potions master. She arched her back into the blond's chest as he rolled her nipples between his manicured fingers. She kept her eyes locked on the Severus' as she rode him, the younger wizard's erection rubbing down her backside with each stroke.

Draco leaned down and breathed into her ear. "Fuck him, Witch. Fuck him like you've wanted to for years."

Hermione moaned in response and ground down hard, feeling the glorious ache as the professor's cock hit bottom. She quickened her pace and by the sounds she was making, Severus could tell that she was getting close to climaxing again. He reached up and grasped one of Draco's hands and guided it down the witch's stomach to their point of connection.

Draco, with one hand caressing her breast and his erection pumping against her cheeks, began to flick her swollen clit.

Hermione shrieked and slammed down on the professor's cock, her muscles clenching at his length as a powerful orgasm washed over her. "Sev-er-us!" she gasped as the intense pleasure pulsed through her body like lightening.

Severus closed his eyes and focused all of his energy on keeping himself from falling over the edge with her. He had gotten the witch to scream his name and that, combined with her inner muscles sucking at his organ like an ice lolly on a hot day, was enough to bring him to orgasm without another thrust, but he refused to give in that easy.

Sensing the wizard's struggle, or perhaps thinking only of his own needs, Draco whispered against Hermione's neck, "Good girl, Granger. Now it's my turn." The Head Boy knew that she liked to be talked to in that manner during sex. It turned her on. If he were to call her a "good girl" any other time, he'd surely be hexed for it, but she was a bit of a masochist in the bedroom.

Locking his biceps under her arms, Draco lifted the witch off of the other man's still-raging erection and laid her down on the bed. He turned his attention to the professor momentarily and slipped his mouth over the head of his cock, taking in as much as he could and sucking his way up again. The combination of Hermione's juices and the wizard's musk was enough to make him groan in appreciation.

After releasing the older Slytherin's cock with an audible pop, Draco smirked at the man's pained expression, delighting in his newly-acquired ability to tease the snarky wizard this way. He turned back to Hermione and positioned himself between her legs before leaning down to scoop her into his arms. He kissed her softly several times before entering her with a quick thrust.

Hermione moaned quietly as he stroked her core in a slow, deep rhythm. She hadn't thought that she could possibly have another orgasm in her after everything she had experienced tonight, but his loving penetration was slowly building her fire again. Draco, while not as endowed as Severus, knew exactly what her body responded to and how to give her the most pleasure.

Severus, who was still rock hard and aching for relief, got up on his knees behind the copulating couple. He ran his long fingers down Draco's spine as it flexed to penetrate the witch beneath him. Egged on by the boy's soft growl, he caressed the wizard's cheeks before giving them a few strong yet playful slaps, leaving the smooth skin slightly pink. He smirked at the effect as he reached over to retrieve the silver bowl from the nightstand and place in on the bed beside him. He coated two thin fingers in the gooey substance then slid them down Draco's arse, causing the blond to hiss in pleasure.

Draco continued to pump into Hermione, rekindling her fire, as Severus caressed and lubricated his sensitive opening. Nervous anticipation bubbled in his stomach as the professor slid one, then two fingers inside him. He had fantasized about this very position many times before – the former Death Eater reaming him from behind as he shagged Hermione. He wanted it to happen so badly but he was somewhat apprehensive about the man's size. He'd surely be walking funny for a day or two.

Severus continued to stroke the wizard, scissoring his fingers to stretch his tight opening in preparation and working up to three digits. Once Draco was well lubricated and responsive – groaning and grinding against his hand in rhythm with his strokes to Hermione's pussy – the professor used his other hand to slather his erection with the conjured lubricant. He withdrew his fingers, parted Draco's cheeks, and placed the length of his cock against the slick channel. He slid himself along the wizard's cleft a few times, before leaning over Draco's back and whispering huskily into his ear. "Now I show you the consequences of your actions this morning, Mr. Malfoy." Draco moaned at his threat. "Relax your muscles." The professor sat back and stroked his cock a few times before placing the swollen head against the wizard's puckered opening.

Draco stilled his hips, still buried balls deep in Hermione's pulsating sweetness, held his breath, and willed his sphincter muscles to relax and grant the man entrance.

Severus carefully pushed against the barrier and with a little effort, forced the bulbous head of his organ in. He held the position for a moment to let the blond adjust to the sensation before cautiously sliding himself in. Draco led out an odd, strangled cry. The professor's cock felt huge as it filled every inch of him and threatened to split him in two.

When Severus was completely sheathed in the wizard's heat, he leaned down and ran his tongue up Draco's spine, coming to rest against his back as the man's muscles undulated deliciously around his straining manhood. "Breathe, Draco. Just breathe," he murmured against the pure-blood's ear.

In an effort to help her struggling friend relax, Hermione leaned up, took his head in her hands, and kissed him with all the passion she possessed. Severus watched the curly-haired witch thoroughly distract the Seeker before sitting back on his heels and resting the palm of his hand on the wizard's lower back to steady himself. "Ready?" he asked in a low murmur.

"Yes," Draco whispered, pulling away from the Gryffindor's lips. His response was followed by a deep groan as the professor began to move inside him. He kept perfectly still and squeezed his eyes shut as he endured the searing pressure. He was beginning to seriously doubt that he'd ever be able to find this sort of penetration enjoyable, but after several shallow, skillful strokes, the burning intensity stopped being completely painful. He felt the wizard change angles and then saw stars as Severus hit the spot that had destroyed him earlier. His resulting moan was filled with four letter words too vulgar to repeat.

Hermione giggled beneath him and he turned his fiery eyes to her. "Think that's funny, do you, Witch?" he growled, not giving her a chance to respond before forcefully pummeling her again. He smirked at her surprised, lustful cry.

With his honor reclaimed, the Malfoy heir let Severus control the tempo of their copulation and moved in a steady rhythm between impaling himself on the wizard's rigid shaft and burying his own cock in the Head Girl's slick heat. The dual sensations were overpowering and he felt an orgasm quickly approaching.

"Harder, Severus," Draco moaned and the professor obliged, ramming into the blond's tight sleeve with more power. Draco, in turn, began to fuck Hermione with deep, forceful strokes, slamming into her cervix.

The room was filled with an erotic symphony of moans, screams, and obscenities from the trio as they drove each other to the brink. Hermione was the first to reach her climax, her nails scratching angry marks down the pure-blood's back. Draco followed right after her, unable to hold out any longer when the professor's cock hit his prostate again. Severus thrust into the wizard's tight arse a few more times before groaning deeply and filling Draco's cavity with his hot release. The threesome collapsed in a heap of sweaty, spent bodies, panting and quivering.

Eventually, Hermione realized that she did, in fact, need oxygen in order to live and whimpered in protest of the virtual dog pile on top of her. Both men laughed but, seeing how they wanted to keep her around a little longer, rolled off on either side of the breathless witch.

Severus sighed contentedly, his body finally feeling satiated. He retrieved the joint from the nightstand and lit it up. After a few puffs, he passed it to Draco with a smirk. "I believe we can consider this as time served."

Hermione chuckled. "Does that mean no detentions, Professor?" She accepted the cigarette from Draco and took a hit.

"Hmm," he drawled, pretending to consider her question for a moment. "Well, perhaps a little more hands-on punishment might be in order."

* * *

One more quick chapter/epilogue to wrap up this crazy story. Stay tuned and please review!

_Chapter title courtesy of "unknown"._


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 5: The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools**

**Epilogue**

The rest of Draco and Hermione's last year at Hogwarts flew by at an alarming rate. During their remaining time in the castle, they continued to take full advantage of their private quarters and included the Potions professor in their escapades as often as possible.

The Head Boy and Girl graduated two months later, Hermione shattering the school's N.E.W.T. records and Draco coming in right behind her. When they boarded the Hogwarts Express for the final time, they did so with the promise that whatever direction their futures took them in, they wouldn't forget, regret, or forsake the friendship that they had forged that year.

Hermione went on to continue her studies at the leading wizarding university – taking on an intimidating course load of only the most advanced classes available – while Draco began his political career, following proudly in his father's footsteps but with slightly more philanthropic ideals. If nothing else, his relationship with the Gryffindor Muggle-born had opened his eyes to the fact that Lucius Malfoy was not always right.

Through their busy schedules and demanding obligations, the former Head students remained the best of friends, Floo calling each other regularly and hanging out as often as possible, which almost always resulted in an amazing shag session or two.

The shagging, though, came to an abrupt end when Draco met and fell in love with a tall, gorgeous wizard named Xavier that worked in the International Cooperation Department of the Ministry. Interestingly enough, Xavier was a Muggle-born as well, and had been trained at the Beauxbatons Academy of Magic. As Hermione had once predicted, Draco's parents threatened to disown him when they found out about their only son's relationship, but the pure-blood couldn't have cared less. He was happy and that was all that mattered. In the end, Narcissa threw her two sons the best wedding that Galleons could buy and after a well-placed threat from a certain ex-Death Eater, Lucius begrudgingly attended the ceremony

Though the blond didn't revisit Hogwarts until his own blue-eyed daughter was sorted – Slytherin, of course – Hermione made the trip often. She kept in contact with Severus throughout her years at university, corresponding via owls and visiting the snarky wizard whenever the chance arose. He helped her through her advanced classes and in return, she provided him with the affection that his life had been missing for so long. As they learned more about each other, their odd friendship-with-benefits developed into something deeper and infinitely more complex.

Five years after her Hogwarts graduation, Albus offered Hermione the recently-vacated Arthimancy position at the school. She immediately accepted. At her first Welcoming Feast as a professor, Severus surprised her by getting down on one knee in front of the entire student body and asking her to be his wife. Again, she immediately accepted.

The two Professor Snapes lived, loved, and taught in the drafty old castle for many years. When Dumbledore finally retired, Severus took over as headmaster and with Hermione's help, led the school for longer than any other wizard in Hogwarts' history. There were many skeptics that questioned the former Death Eater's ability to steer the ancient academy of magic through the next century, but with his headstrong, outspoken Gryffindor at his side, Severus enacted countless meaningful and lasting changes that irrevocably altered the school for the better. One of the first and arguably most mysterious edicts that he established was the grand feast and celebration that became tradition every April Fools' Day.

**The End**

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Well, there you have it. The end of this bizarre little story. I hoped you enjoyed the crack factor as much I enjoyed writting it. I apologize if I've psychologically scarred anyone. Feel free to send me the shrink bills, but before you do, please REVIEW!

_Chapter title courtesy of Doug Larson._


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